Sorority recruitment is an inescapable event, as persistent as the waves on the beach. As a veteran of rush at an SEC school, both in house and as a recruitment cop for panhellenic (you know the ones: with stopwatches, walkie talkies, mirrored sunglasses, shouts like drill sergeants, and the meanest bitch face you’ve ever seen), these eyes have seen some serious shit. Every year, without fail, PNMs flock to our mansions in a throng of Lilly so vibrant and cluttered that it makes me nauseous. Without fail, every year I’ve encountered these same girls, every single one of them.
1. The One Whose Mother Has Been Preparing Her For This Moment Since Birth
I wish I was lying when I say I’ve had to chase a few moms off of sorority row because they were there telling their daughters what to say and do, who to keep, and teasing their hair. This is not mom’s time to shine, shoo shoo miss beauty queen. This girl is constantly freaking out because what she’ll hear from her rush friends, or what she’ll experience in a house, contradicts something mommy dearest has told her, and she’ll be as confused and conflicted as Bachelor Ben pretended to be at the end of last season.
2. The One(s) From In-State
Watching the in-state know it all girls talk to the out of state PNMs always reminds me of that one scene in every war movie ever, where some wide-eyed new recruit gets the lowdown on the camp and the way things are run by some kind of grizzly, superior officer. Gahdamn, these are the worst. These are the girls that already know some girls from their highschool in every house, and are almost guaranteed a bid, at least in their minds. They’ve been coming to town for party weekends since sophomore year of highschool, and they think they know exactly how this all works. They don’t. These are also the ones that are most likely to walk into any given house and act like they’re too good to be there since they already ~know~ what they’re going to be. KK princess.
3. The One In Crocs
I don’t know why this keeps happening, but it does. Be they clean navy or pristine white, one girl goes for it every year. And every year, I’ve taken a creepy snapchat with “What are thoseeeeee” to add to my story. Cut it out. #CrocLivesDontMatter.
4. The One Who Is Freaking Out
This poor girl all of them really deep down. Rush is fucking scary, especially when it’s a yugeeee deal at your school. But every year there’s one girl who practically clings to the legs of her recruitment counselor like a baby Koala, crippled by her own fear. There’s no way to talk her down, she just stays terrified all week and drives everyone nuts.
5. The One Who Faints
Tbh I love this one, probably because I’m a huge bitch. There’s nothing quite like having all of your girls lined up for their party, hearing a thud and a scream, and casually throwing “EMT to Chi O, EMT to Chi O”, out over the walkie, like this happens all the time. It happens all the time. And when that EMT golf cart shows up to scoop her, I dive on it like it’s the last chopper out of Kuwait, because then I get to hang out and eat popsicles with the hot EMTs while she comes to, so yeah, I love the gals who pass out. And don’t think the recruitment counselors don’t have an over-under on how many girls pass out each day. We do. Our record was 9. Hydration is no joke in the South in August.
6. The One Who Tries To Be Besties With Me
Listen, I love the attention, and I love that you’re asking me so much about myself. But I know it’s just because you’re trying to figure out what sorority I’m in. The whole point of me disaffiliating is that you don’t know and that my letters don’t affect your choices. I’ll happily talk to you about all things Greek, because that’s my job, but don’t text me about your boy problems. I’m not your sister…yet.
7. The One Who Shows Up At The Bar, Is A Fucking Idiot
This is literally the dumbest fucking thing you can do. First, all of your recruitment counselors and panhellenic judiciaries at at the bar because they’re exhausted from dealing with you all day. Second, we know you’re 18. We know. Third, get the ever loving fuck out of our bar, who do you think you are? It is beyond not cool to blatantly break the rules that you’ve been told a million time about going out, especially to bars where you don’t belong. If you become one of our babies, sure, we’ll probably end up giving you our old ID, but until them, have some damn respect.
8. The One Who Doesn’t Want To Be There
Maybe her mom and her big sister were both in sororities and expect her to join, maybe she thinks that it’s just what everyone does so she should do it too. Either way, she isn’t too sure about all of this and kind of just wants to go home. Sometimes these girls will be hostile towards the whole situation, but I’ve talked a couple of very uncertain girls into sticking it out, who then accepted a bid, and loved their house, and became fixtures of the Greek community. It just goes to show that anything is worth a try.
Rush is the funnest thing you never want to do again. Drink you water, eat well, and get out of your own way; don’t be so freaked out that you’re not able to be yourself. Respect the rules, respect the sororities, and respect your fellow PNMs. Most of these girls that I’ve seen ended up happily settled in houses.
Even Crocs girl..