1. Mike
This is Mike. No, not the guy in the lime green bandana, shaped chest hair, and gold chain. The guy wearing the red jersey. The guy you’re in love with. Because of course you stalk all of his friends and tagged photos as well. (What is this amateur hour?) And right in front of him is some blonde girl who appears to be very pretty and skinny, and she looks like she knows him so well that they might even be fighting. Ten out of ten will confirm they are fucking.
2. Joe
Here’s Joe again with that girl who he swears is “just a friend.” And she’s so cool that she doesn’t even care about taking this suggestive fucking picture, because she’s “just a friend” and “one of the guys” and has a “bro sense of humor” and she’s pretty, and blonde, and perfect, and Joe is definitely fucking her.
3. Matt
You can barely see Matt in this picture. In fact, you can’t see him at all, because his back is toward us in the front left corner, but obviously you have stalked Matt enough to know his entire wardrobe and that fucking Hawaiian is definitely his shirt. And who’s he talking to? Some beautiful blonde babe who is cool enough to drink beer, unlike your high maintenance ass. He’s looking down, probably getting her number. He hadn’t fucked her by the time this photograph was taken, but I’d bet all my money that he’s definitely fucking her right now. Like as we speak.
4. Brad
This is Brad, and this is some girl with a perfect body that he is definitely fucking. He either whisked her away to a beach vacation or met her on the beach with his ~bros~ and was so taken by her that he just had to post a fucking picture to let the world know how in love they are. Or wait. This might be his sister on their family’s vacation. Did she dye her hair? Anyway, if it’s not his sister, they are definitely, absolutely, one hundred percent fucking.
5. Steve
WOWWWWWW, Steve. This is Steve and his formal date, who he is practically fucking in this photo. There are no two ways about it. Behind closed doors, they are definitely fucking.
6. Tim
I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this picture, but I do know one thing. There are only, like, three girls in this dick buffet and one of them is standing right next to Tim. None of the other guys have girls accompanying them to the pledge horse races. But you know who does? Tim. And why? Because he’s fucking her.
7. Brian
Well, well, well, Brian. What do we have here? A girl with an infectious smile posing for a funny photo with you? First of all, she looks like the kind of girl whose yoga pants have actually been to yoga. Tryhard. Second of all, you know who poses for pictures together for all the world to see? People who are fucking.
8. Connor
Oh look, Connor’s head is between this girl’s legs, because I get the feeling it’s been there before. Is he just bragging because she’s so skinny that he can just hold her above his head like she’s light as air? We get it, Connor. You’re fucking..
All of these images are stock photos from our database. The people photographed are not in any way associated with this column. We have no idea whether or not any of them are actually fucking.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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