8 Holidays That Don’t Exist But Absolutely Should

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Christmas is great, Hanukah is swell, and everyone loves getting dressed up and hammered on St. Patrick’s Day and Halloween. However, the traditional calendar is definitely lacking. There are so many reasons to celebrate that pass by relatively unnoticed year after year, so I propose we add the following dates to the calendar. After all, who doesn’t need another reason to celebrate?

Big Appreciation Day
This day would fall in early spring, when your family is on the cusp of saying farewell to your graduating matriarch and the newest little is no longer the center of attention all the damn time. This is a day to sit back and think about everything your big has taught you, and give her something representative of your appreciation. Gift ideas include shoes to replace the pair you vomited all over or a home cooked meal to pay her back for the hundreds of dollars she spent on baking and buying you baked goods this semester.

Little Appreciation Day
Littles are very used to being fussed over and given gifts, so this would be a less holy day than Big Appreciation Day. As a mid-winter pick-me-up, on this day, littles should be treated to coffee and told they are smart and pretty.

Slampiece Appreciation Day
This day should be celebrated on the last day before Spring Break. Buy him brunch or try that thing he keeps asking for — #ButtStuff2015 is apparently really gaining momentum. If you’re in a monogamous relationship with your slam (I recommend occasionally referring to your boyfriend as your slam in order to keep him on his toes) then buy him brunch AND try that thing he keeps asking for. It’s important to let the penis in our lives know that we value and appreciate it. That being said, don’t make it too much about the penis, because otherwise, the man attached to it may get grumpy and the day will be henceforth known as Ex-Slampiece Day.

We’re Not Mothers Day
The day after Mother’s Day should be celebrated across the land by all women who have successfully managed to avoid becoming mothers. Despite the momentous improvements in birth control that we are incredibly fortunate to have free access to, so many young women still manage to somehow fuck it up (pun very much intended) and find themselves with a bun in the oven. This is a day to celebrate your responsibility and ability to use a daily phone alarm to your advantage. Celebrate with crop tops and copious amounts of alcohol.

Passed My Classes Day
Celebrated twice a year on the day your grades are posted, this day is a time to celebrate that you managed to do what many did not: pass all your classes. Extra revelry should be had for every A or B made. Treat yourself to a pair of borderline tacky sequin or otherwise vibrant leggings and designate them as your “smarty pants.” Wear them proudly as you go make up for all the times you didn’t go out because you stayed home to study.

Not Graduation Day
This celebration should be had on the day of your school’s actual graduation. This is the time to let out a sigh of relief that you don’t have to face the real world just yet. Remember to pour some out for the graduates.

Roommate Appreciation Day
This is the day to do something special for the brave human who puts up with your shit every single day. Clean the house, make her dinner, or don’t have audible sex for the whole day. If your roommate is the bane of your existence, this holiday can be used as a passive-aggressive tool to show her you do not appreciate her.

Champagne Day
This should be celebrated any day you’re feeling drab and un-sparkly. Everyone feels a little more fabulous with a flute of champagne in hand, so keep a bottle in the fridge for a day when you need a little pop, fizz, and clink in your life.

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