Every girl has a love/hate relationship with getting a hot guy’s phone number. We love getting his number because it means the channels of communication have opened up a whole new world for us. The downside to this situation is that now we have to deal with sexting. Don’t get me wrong, a well-timed sext is the perfect thing to spice up an otherwise boring night. Unfortunately however, that not usually the case. Over the years, I like to think I have become quite the little connoisseur of sexting. I have even been known to send sexts for my friends because I am just that good. If it was possible to win a Pulitzer for sexting, it would already be mine. The secret to being a good sexter? Is being a good liar. See for yourself.
1. I’m naked/not wearing panties/some variation of sexy panties.
Quite possibly one of the worst questions is “What are you wearing” because most likely I am wearing sweats or PJs. I am never just laying around in a black lace thong waiting for a guy to text me about it. I don’t even own a black lace thong. But he doesn’t want to know that you’re wearing period panties and acne cream. Unless of course, he’s into that sort of thing. (disclaimer: he’s never into that sort of thing)
2. Yes, I would looove to see a picture of your hard (insert name for penis here).
NO NO NO NO NO. I am sorry but I have never once looked at a penis and thought “Oh yeah now I’m really in the mood.” There is just nothing sexy about a picture of a semi-chubbed penis, a whole bunch of hair, white upper leg, and his dirty socks in the corner. If guys could just stick to pictures of backs, biceps, and puppies, the world would be better.
3. Wow, you’re so big, I don’t think I can fit it in my mouth.
I am sorry to break it to you, but your dick isn’t that big. I have definitely had Chipotle burritos bigger than that in my mouth, no problem.
4. It would be so hot if you came on my face.
5. I am so wet right now.
Really, I am probably watching something on Netflix trying to speed this up so you will leave me alone. I get it. You have a penis. But I have pizza and a vibrator so…
6. A threesome would be so hot.
This is absolute bullshit. I can’t share a man to save my life, and this will probably never happen. The only reason I am filling his cute little head with ideas is because the more he can imagine, the less typing I have to do.
7. I am touching myself, pretending it’s you instead.
I am the kind of person who types with two hands so I don’t drop my big ass phone. Plus, even if I was doing it, I am not going to waste my time telling you when I am busy pretending to have sex with Leo DiCaprio. Come on, guys.
8. I can’t send you a pic because then I would have to stop.
This statement generally follows the previous message, and is my old faithful response since “I forgot my Snapchat password” doesn’t always work and ghosting mid-sext is just plain mean. Me sending you a picture would require way too much energy, so forget it. I am not wearing makeup. I am not wearing a bra. I am not remotely photographable at the moment. Give it up.
So now that you know it’s okay to tell one little lie, or two, get out there and spread the love. Happy sexting you pervs..
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