Nothing chaps my ass like people who blatantly disrespect the Rules of Fashion. There’s a thin line between trendy and trashy, and I am here to thicken it up. Before you send me hate mail, hear me out. I’m all about people expressing themselves in whatever way they want, including through their clothing. I’m not telling you how to dress, I’m just telling you how to be your best self.
The Two Out Of Three Rule
When facing front, there are three assets that can be exposed when choosing an outfit, especially when going to the bars: tits, tummy, and thighs. As a rule of thumb, pick no more than two of these to flaunt. Leave something for the imagination. Unless it’s Halloween, in which case, fucking go for it.
Crop Tops And High-Waisted Bottoms
I cannot stress this enough. If you take nothing I ever say to heart, please pair crop tops with pants or shorts that come up past your happy trail. It’s just a lot of abdomen that even flattest of six-packs can’t pull off. Do you shop at Baby Gap or is it a purposeful effort to look like you shrunk all of your clothes in the wash and then became the Hulk?
Black on black is classic. White on white is acceptable if you are a Backstreet Boy. But under NO circumstances is it acceptable to wear more than one article of solid gray. I know people will contest this one, but something about an all gray outfit screams “1980’s Gym Workout” to me, and is that the look you are really going for? Rocky called, he’s pissed you raided his wardrobe.
1:1 Loose To Tight Ratio
If your top is tight, your bottom can be loose. If your top is loose, your bottom can be tight — not painted on tight, but at least form-fitting. If you’re a Kardashian or a really skinny person, you can go double tight. You can’t go double loose. And no, your boyfriend jeans and “loose” top don’t count, because those jeans are still tight on your butt, and that shirt is tucked in somewhere or a crop top, so you still look like a girl. You have a beautiful body and hiding it under parachute-like clothing will do nothing for you. I’m just looking out.
Kitty Heels Are Noncommittal
Wear flats or wear heels. Kitty heels are made for grandmas and pussies. Figure out if you will be sitting or walking/standing/dancing at whatever event you are headed to and base your decision off of that. No one will judge you for wearing flats, but they WILL judge you for wearing kitty heels. At least I will.
Every girl wears a bra and there is nothing wrong with that. But there are options out there so it won’t be the only thing a person notices about your outfit. No straps when straps can be avoided. And keep them on your shoulders. It’s not that hard to tighten them. Invest in a good strapless bra and a pretty bralette. Or just don’t wear one at all.
This has nothing to do about your clothes, but nothing says “I am a mess” like wet hair. Even though you just got out of the shower, the grunginess of wet hair makes you look dirtier than when you got in. Use dry shampoo, throw a baseball hat on, or do a quick blow dry before you run out the door and blame being late on traffic.
Pick A Season
Not only do the colors of your clothes have to match, the seasons of each piece have to match. If you are wearing long sleeves and pants, sandals just don’t make sense. Is it hot or is it cold? Circa 2000s Britney Spears wearing a cami, shorts, and Uggs caused a media frenzy just as wild as when she shaved her head. One short article of clothing can validate your open toed shoes. A heavy sweater and shorts do not match, no matter what colors they are (a light, breathable sweater is fine). Use the season outside for inspiration. Don’t dress like that one kid in middle school who would always wear shorts and wouldn’t be allowed outside at recess because it was 40 degrees out.
Dress to impress, ladies. You’re welcome..