Imagine a world where all is right, where you can succeed without even having to try, where you can be the sorority girl you always wanted to be.
1. Drunk Texting 101
You are three shots in and the only thing you are more excited about than the $2 drink specials at the bar down the street is the fact that you will definitely drunk text your ex, your last hookup, and the cute lab partner you cheat off of tonight.
2. Selfie Help
Even before that overplayed song came to be, you had your priorities in line (but first, you always took a selfie). Not just any selfie. I’m talking about teeth-whitened, good angle, cute background, no duckface, filter-added selfies that got more than 100 damn likes on Instagram. So what if 90 percent of the likes were from your sorority sisters? It’s still more than 100.
3. Being A Crazy Betch
Every girl receives an automatic A+ in the class just for registering. Drunk or sober, the text “K” will never just be short for “OK,” but instead it will signify a brutal, passive-aggressive fight between two girls. Also, every girl knows that if a guy says she has a cute ass, that means he’s going to bring her to his formal and then they’re going to date and eventually marry and have kids on the Vineyard. There is no doubt that we all have a little crazy in us–and shit, if his ex-girlfriend is in the class, you’re bound to pass with flying colors.
4. Drunk Eating
Also known as: “drunching” (drunk munching), “dracking” (drunk snacking), and whatever else you call your actions when you tear through the cabinets after a night on the town. Without a doubt, your incredible ability to make a five-star meal out of string cheese, stale Pringles, and your roommate’s cookies would score you an A in class.
5. Sloppy Hookup Seminar
The perfect major. For once, you will pride yourself for getting a D in a class. Instead of paying for textbooks you never open, you might lose your dignity–but you’ll still walk away with a free shack shirt.
6. The Art Of Memorizing Starbucks Orders
Even though every basic bitch has practically the same order, you have those orders down pat. Because you neglected to consume a week’s worth of calories in wine coolers last night like the rest of your house, you are sent to fetch Starbucks and flawlessly recite the order to the bartista. Well done. A+.
Majoring in Tinder might be a new theory, but how wonderful would it be? Personally, as noted in my bio, I consider myself a Tinder expert who could practically swipe left and right with my eyes closed. I am a professional at choosing the perfect pictures for my profile, and yes, I have hundreds of matches. Every girl has the potential to be a successful Tinderella if she just believes.
8. Crafting For Idiots
Your Adderall-induced crafting has finally paid off. Yes, your little was an ungrateful brat when you finally gave her all of the picture frames, letters, T-shirts, koozies, paddles, and other bedazzled things that you crafted her. But if it was a major, your hot glue gun skills would have gotten you that 4.0 your scholarship chair would have dreamed of.
9. Online Shopping In Class
In fact, you are great at online shopping in general. But doing it in class? You’re a fucking specialist. In this class, you simply listen to an old, monotonous professor ramble on until the end of class, all while talking about pointless information. You’re graded on how well you can completely ignore him, and instead, shop for those Sperrys you saw that girl wear in your last lecture.