Everyone always bitches about aging. I recently had a birthday, and for the first time ever, I wasn’t even mad about it. Let me be perfectly clear: I absolutely do not have my shit together. But I’m kind of excited to find out (in a few years) what it feels like TO have my shit together. Becoming an actual adult with stability has to come with age, right? I wonder what that’s like. Honestly, I’m a little more excited to be over 70 because you can literally do whatever the fuck you want and just claim senility, but that’s not that point. It’s been my experience that as people age, they like to look back at old photos. It’s also been my experience that that is never a good idea. You always hate your hair, your glasses, your braces, and/or your outfit. It’s a beautiful thing how many mistakes are documented via photograph. See: your parents 1970s senior pictures. Also, see: every Halloween photo ever taken. In the name of beautiful mistakes such as those, I can’t help but wonder if there are some things we are wearing now that we will eventually regret. Will we look back and hate ourselves for our fashion choices, too? I make mostly regrettable decisions in general, so I know that there will be some inevitable self-loathing in my future. This list proves that I should most likely anticipate a significant increase in future regret and I invite you to do the same.
I’m starting here because I think a lot of people already regret this one. This was straight up (you know that pun is intended) thanks to “Jersey Shore.” MTV circa 2010, bitches. You either teased and teased and teased until your hair comb broke, or you bought one of the actual bump-its from the infomercial. Both are equally tragic. Shame on you for taking fashion advice from the little girl on the show that uses a chip clip to hold her bump-it in place. Also, her name is Snooki. Not this “Nicole Polizzi” person everyone keeps talking about. Stop being pretentious.
2. High-Waisted Shorts and Pants
You think you look “retro” and “hip” but really you’re just wearing Special Urban Outfitters mom jeans. And unless you live in Williamsburg, I know that’s not the look you’re going for. It’s awesome because every girl ages 15-28 probably wears them and will continue to wear them, AS WILL I, but I guarantee you we’re going to look back and say to ourselves “Why the fuck do my pants go to my nipples?”.
3. Harem Pants
No lie, I’m wearing a pair of Harem pants as I write this. I’m a product of my generation and yes, I will conform, but we look like we’re wearing diapers when the ass fabric hangs down to our knees. Like is it supposed to look like we’re “sagging” without actually “sagging”? I really have no idea what the appeal is. Maybe comfort? They are super comfy. Regardless of why, we should stop wearing them. Even MC Hammer can’t touch those. I immediately regret that joke.
4. Sock Buns
You. Have. A. Sock. On. Your. Head. I need you to let that sink in. Long hair, you should definitely care. Wearing a sock bun is not the same as putting nail polish on your tights run to keep the run from growing. It’s not a fashion “trick of the trade.” No, you just have a SOCK very near to your FACE. You’re not fooling anyone, we know what’s under there. The first time I saw a girl with one of these in, I thought she had a chocolate cake donut on her head. That’s probably more of a testament to how much I love sweets. Still, if anything on your body can be mistaken for food, I can guarantee that you look ridiculous.
5. Grandma Sweaters
GODDAMMIT, LENA DUNHAM. How did she make this trendy? First it was ugly sweater parties around the holidays and now people are just wearing terrible sweaters all year round. I will say that comfort is a major factor, here, which I can definitely appreciate. I will also say that if you keep your selection of ugly sweaters, you will have a full and complete wardrobe for your elderly years. They flatter no one and I have a feeling that trying to explain the “irony” in the “wolf howls at moon” picture on the front of your sweater to your grandchildren will go extremely poorly.
6. Over-Filled Eyebrows
Yeezus. We’ve seen what bad eyebrows look like on plenty of social media sites. I think that those sites have instilled a crippling fear of having terrible eyebrows, which defaults to some of us over-doing it. Less is more. If you over-fill and darken them too much, you don’t look like Cara Delevingne, you look like you took a crayon to the face.
7. Sneaker Wedges
You guys, I am so torn with this one. I’m really short but I love wearing sneakers. Sneaker wedges give me the best of both worlds. Plus, they make me feel like Rihanna. I just have a terrible feeling that “sporty-chic” is not going to fare well in hindsight. The idea of a sneaker wedge IS a little strange, you have to admit. Let’s combine wedges and Nike Dunks and see what happens. So, let’s just combine bracelets and sweatbands while we’re at it! Do you see my point? I’m so sad.
8. Flat Bills
Talking to you, Cali girls. Who do you think you are, Justin Bieber? Even he looks ridiculous in flat bills. Wearing a sporty accessory like this doesn’t make anyone think that you like sports. It makes people think that you probably also have a lower back tat and might’ve at one point had black hair with blonde stripes. Young you might think you look “edgy,” but old you will whole-heartedly disagree.
Offenders of this are mostly celebrities, but I thought it was worth a mention anyway. What’s hilarious is that frat guys started this trend. They’ve been wearing onesies to date parties since my mom was in college, and now all of a sudden celebrities think its “ironic” and shows that they “give zero fucks.” Should we tell them it’s been done? Definitely not. Let them regret it.
10. Canadian Tuxedos
Denim on denim has returned, in case you haven’t noticed. You guys, it didn’t work the first time around. Why would it work the second time around? I get it, I get it, light wash with dark wash, lalala. Honestly, I don’t hate it. But there is probably a 100 percent chance that I will hate it in ten years from now.
There is absolutely no point in rejecting current trends. Especially if they make you feel #fun and #flirty and #fabulous. I just got done talking a fair amount of shit, but I say, embrace the trendy! Who cares. Trends will absolutely come and go, so you might as well look cute now and give future you have something to look back and laugh at later..