Picking a major in college is like blinding signing your life away on some whim that you chose when you were eighteen and still thought you might make it as an actress. Oh wait, no. That’s exactly what picking your major is. Before we can buy alcohol, we decide what we want to do for the rest of our lives, and what field we’ll trade thirty years of paychecks for in order to get a piece of paper.
It’s cool, though. I’m not bitter as I’m thinking about my next loan payment coming up (lies). Still, as I shell out $350 this month for my very unhelpful degree in television, I can’t help but fantasize about what I would have majored in.
Social Media Stalking
Bachelor of Science
Sure, you could go major in spying (or whatever it’s called where you actually become a literal spy) but that’s not your game. You want to be proficient in getting the dirt from the comfort of your couch while wearing a grubby shack shirt. Going in the field isn’t your forte, but lurking from your Macbook Pro is where you’ll thrive. Only have a generic first name for a girl with brown hair? Give you thirty minutes, a Starbs, and the year she graduated high school and you’ll be able to figure out everything. And I mean everything. Her first boyfriend, her phone number, her social security number — nothing will stop you when it comes to the science of getting information. Private accounts? Lol. Not for you. Blocked user? Nice try. No one’s embarrassing mirror selfie from 2007 is safe.
Makeup Snobbery
Bachelor of Arts
Sure you could actually major in makeup (I think) but that’s not what you want to do. That’s not what you get pleasure from. Being the friend with the superpower. Being the girl with an absurd number of brushes. Being able to turn a “7” into a “9” for a casual night out at some shitty bar. That’s your schtick. You want to be able to walk into any makeup store and make the woman helping you look like an amateur. Your contour makes it look like you could cut glass on your cheekbones and your pallet collection is enough to make Kim K swoon. You don’t want to just know makeup. You want to live, breathe, and make other people feel inferior about makeup.
Netflix Studies
Bachelor of Arts
You always had a love for television and movies. Not to make them — God no. And not to study them perse. No, when it comes to the screen, both big and small, your dream is to just watch an excess amount of moving pictures. You aspire always knowing the perfect thing to put on for the occasion, and not having to sift through the vast hole that is Netflix (and Hulu, and HboGo, and AppleTV, and Amazon Movies). Potential boyfriend coming over? You know what raunchy boy comedy to pick that will make you seem “chill” (The Other Guys). You know what to put on when you just got ghosted by said potential boyfriend and want to cry your eyes out while ultimately feeling bittersweet hope (500 Days of Summer). And when you’re cleaning the apartment and want to put a binge-worthy show on that you’ve seen before but don’t have to fully pay attention to but will still keep you entertained (Gossip Girl forever). You always know what to pick, where it’s located, and have managed a way to score passwords without paying for a single service.
Junk Food and Wine Parings
Bachelor of Science
You know that you could probably major in some bullshit Hospitalities track, but that’s not what you want. You don’t want to be a pro in what $500 of wine will pair well with a dollop of caviar (unless of course your husband you can afford all of that. Then you’ll consider it). No, what you crave is the knowledge of how to pair that shitty $4 chardonnay with a tasteful snack found in the dollar section of Target. What beverage will make your extra-large, extra-cheesy pizza taste even better when you’re drunk at 2 a.m.? These are the things you crave. This is the knowledge you dream of.
Communication Editing (With A Concentration In Social Media)
Bachelor of Arts
Maybe in the academics world, you’re a writing wiz or flawless at some type of art. Or hell, maybe you’re just a decent bullshitter. Either way, you know how to make everything seem better than it actually is. With a concentration in social media editing, you know the ins and outs of making your shitty life look ~flawless~. From the FaceTuned selfies to the perfected flat lays, the ability to always find a painted wall and having fire captions ready at the drop of a hat — you are a pro. If there’s anyone out there who can make their existence of eating mac n’ cheese and binging on Netflix most days look appealing, it’s you.
Communication Editing (With A Concentration In Person-to-Person Exchange)
Bachelor of Arts
Another major in editing, this particular field focuses more on human exchanges. Whereas social media editing makes your online life look appealing, person-to-person editing makes your real life seem appealing. From being able to keep an entertaining iMessage convo, to never being the one to double text, you’ll become skilled in the arts of human exchange, both on your phone and in person. Want to know exactly what to say to the cute guy to make him come running, or how about how to respond when your boyfriend asks if you’re cool with a guys night? This major will teach you how to be a master manipulator and artist of words.
Bitch Psychology
Bachelor of Science
Being a bitch isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you develop after years of ignored texts, fuckboys, and “accidentally on purpose” bumping into exes. The Bitch Psych major will prepare you for a world of shitty people and creepy old men who tell you to smile. Graduating with this major will ensure that your face always looks unpleasant, your text responses are always snappy, and boys are somewhat scared of you. You always get your way, and if you don’t? You can be damn sure that someone will pay. It’s the closest thing to majoring in being Blair Waldorf. And hey, maybe you can get your graduate degree in Chuck Bass. A girl can dream.
Professional Partying
Bachelor of Science
Your calling isn’t found in books or lecture halls. You’re a master communicator, a master planner, and a master drinker. Your events are legendary and your hangovers are even more so. Sure, you could major in event planning (and hey, maybe you are), but your expertise is a bit more shambly. You know the perfect drink on a low budget, how to sneak alcohol into any venue, and the easiest way to get a guy into a bedroom. You’re always the center of attention, and the first to stand on the bar, start a game of flip cup or suggest doing keg stands. There’s not a beer you can’t shotgun or a chugging competition you can’t win. Finally, your uncanny ability to shoot back tequila without a lime or salt will not only come in handy, it’ll make you the best in the class.
Basics Studies
Bachelor of Arts
When it comes to the basics, you’re an absolute pro. You know every drink at Starbucks and every type of makeup trick in the game. The words to Taylor’s songs? You can sing them. The new nail trend? Have it. Sure, some might say you’re just like every other basic bitch. And you are. But you take being on trend, taking artsy photos of pizza, and loving infinity scarves to a whole other level. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s in style, you’re going to do it. Or have it. Or use it. Some people might say it’s an easy, frivolous major, but when you get this many likes on your Instagrams, does it even matter?
Finally, some degree worth getting..
Nice Move654
Respond
Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
rachalloy
rachel@grandex.co
