9 Pieces Of Advice For Freshmen Your Mother Never Told You


Welcome to college, freshmeat, *ahem* freshmen. Congrats on making it to what has the potential to be the craziest four years of your life. College is arguably the only time in your life that you can step out of your comfort zone, try new things, and wake up covered in hickeys without being judged, so my advice to you is to take advantage of that shit. I’m sure by this point your mom has Facebook messaged you a link to a list of “10 Pieces of Advice for Freshmen” and the list included a variety of snore inducing things such as “make new friends” and “don’t forget to do your laundry!” As “helpful” as that is, chances are you’re not a fucking idiot considering you’ve made it this far in your educational career, so you probably could have figured out all 10 things on that list had you been in a wine induced coma. That being said, this is a list of 10 pieces of advice that you probably won’t want to share with your mother.

1. Go out on weeknights.
Yes, school is important, but life is important too. If you get your schoolwork done, there’s no reason not to party after. You’re probably coming from an environment where you weren’t socializing much outside school and sports during the week, but now you have that freedom. Your social life can happen any time you’re free. College is the one time in your life that you don’t have your boss or your mom, or your husband breathing down your neck, so take advantage.

2. Make out with random guys.
Why? Because it’s fun and you can. It’s good to get this kind of thing out of your system, and not feel ashamed of it, because that’s the way you make sure you don’t end up 42, wondering if you wasted your hot years.

3. Stock up on costumes.
Have you ever been walking through Party City and thought to yourself, “who the fuck would ever buy a slutty gorilla costume?” Well the new answer to that question should be “you.” Fraternities throw the best theme parties and if your costume isn’t better than your frenemy’s, then maybe you just shouldn’t even go. Don’t ever get rid of anything that could be a prop or accessory for a costume. College is like Halloween, but all year round, so start stocking up.

4. Don’t be afraid to go on “selfie dates.”
In the midst of school, and sorority functions, and all-nighters, and work, sometimes you will forget to take care of yourself. This is when you need to stop and step back. You are the most important person in your life so you better damn well act like it. Take a Thursday to go to dinner by yourself. Drink a glass of wine and go to a movie. Get a massage. Whatever the fuck it is, take a second to spend some time with you.

5. Fast food at 2am is always a good idea.
Your metabolism is at its peak and everyone knows that no good story ever started with “well this one time I was eating a salad.”

6. …And so is working out.
Take care of yourself, woman! While it’s okay to get a little booze belly going, you should always make an effort to stay healthy. Working out (although it feels like death) releases positive endorphins that actually make you happier. And if that make your body look banging, that’s just a happy coincidence.

7. Take advantage of the fraternity pledges.
Fraternity pledge season is the greatest time of the year, and it pretty much lasts all semester. Ask them for rides because Uber’s expensive. Make them drop off your big/little gifts, because I promise they would rather help you then go on beer runs for the actives.

8. Download Tinder.
College is a time to meet new people (read: meet hot guys) and I promise there is no better way to do so than by judging them solely on their appearance and potentially getting a booty call out of it.

9. Cramming works.
Anyone who says procrastination is not the answer has clearly never been invited to five fraternity parties in one week. Pick your priorities. Plus, some of the best college memories will be made at midnight in the library- as long as someone brought pizza, someone else snuck in wine, and your Tinder match asks you to meet him for a “brain break” in the window-less study room.

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My life is pretty much one big awkward embarrassing moment. Dream-self is a cross between Amy Schumer and Serena Van der Woodsen. I like LITs a little too much and am standards board's worst nightmare. If you don't party on Tuesdays then what's the point of college..? Feel free to email me funny stories and Memes because I love to laugh and there's a chance I might be able to make you laugh too. xo

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