As the days of summer pool parties and flings with out-of-town visitors are coming to a close, it’s important to make the most of the few balmy weeks we have left. Sure, it’s nice to get a head start on your Halloween costumes and fall date ideas that you’ll drag whatever lucky boy you’re seeing at the time to, but it’s important to ~live in the moment.~ And these moments? Should be filled with hot hookups, steamy seduction, and plenty of summer romance. So, to help all the virginal ladies out there, here are a few tried and true moves you can use this season to kick up the heat on your end-of-summer romance. Be sure to use plenty of SPF because shit’s about to get hot.
1. The Snapchat Seduction
• Buy an expensive matching bra and panty set.
• Put on a full face of makeup.
• Send him multiple pictures from different angles so he remembers you exist even though he went out with his friends.
• Take a shower so your mascara runs down your face and you look like the girl from The Ring.
• Send your best friend a selfie like that.
• Realize you accidentally sent it to your guy.
• Die on the spot.
2. The One Piece Princess
• Tell him you have a new swimsuit you’re just dying to show him.
• Sure, it’s a one piece, but those are *so hot* rn.
• When he arrives, take off your robe to reveal a chastity belt.
• Tell him you’ll remove it if he removes his ex’s number from his phone.
• Repeat until he deletes her or dumps you.
3. The Role Play
• Ask him if he wants to play sexy strangers.
• Meet him at the bar and make up a fake name.
• Get mad when he starts flirting with fake you like he’s never flirted with real you.
• Ask him why he never acts like this around you in real life.
• Mope for awhile until he gets bored and just watches sports on the TV at the bar.
• Leave alone.
4. The Cooldown
• Text him saying you’re hot, and you need him to come over.
• When he arrives, hand him a bottle of aloe.
• Explain that you got a very bad sunburn and can’t reach your back.
• When he tries to hook up with you, slap him away.
• Your skin is burned raw. How the fuck are you supposed to have sex like that?
• Accuse him of only liking you for sex.
• Awkwardly watch Netflix side by side on the couch until he makes up an excuse to leave.
5. The Loveboat
• Invite him out for a boat party with your friends.
• Cuddle up next to him.
• Drink 11 vodka sodas.
• Throw up over the side of the boat.
• Makeout with your friend with the big tits for attention
• Drunkenly accuse him of checking out your friend with the big tits.
• Cry.
• Wake up alone in your bed the next morning, still in your swimsuit, clutching a Big Mac.
6. The Old Friend Threesome
• Seductively ask him if he’d like to add a third to your bedroom routine that night.
• When he says yes (because obviously, he’ll say yes) lead him to your room.
• Introduce him to your childhood stuffed animal, Mr. Snuggles.
• Explain that Mr. Snuggles helped get you through middle school bullying and your parents’ divorce.
• Sob while clutching him and Mr. Snuggles.
• Make him kiss Mr. Snuggles.
• Tell him you don’t mind if they sleep together that night.
7. The Rub Down
• Untie your swimsuit top.
• Ask him to rub some tanning lotion on your back.
• Makeout more than is socially acceptable at your apartment pool.
• When you get back to your place and get ready to shower together, look in the mirror.
• Notice that your back is all splotchy because he did a horrible job rubbing the lotion in.
• Yell at him.
• Ask him if he wants you to be ugly.
• Kick him out of the bathroom and be slightly cold to him the rest of the day.
8. The Passionate Night
• Go on a romantic date to a five-star restaurant.
• Tell him you can’t wait to pay him back later that night, wink wink.
• Eat the entire bread basket, most of the apps, your whole meal, and more than half of the dessert.
• When you get back and get ready to change into your “sexy outfit,” realize you look like a tick that’s about to pop.
• Pretend you got your period.
• Watch five hours of Gossip Girl instead.
• Order a pizza because, fuck it.
9. The Summer Lovin’
• Invite him over for a night of “good girls gone bad.”
• Pop in Grease and sing along to all of the songs.
• Shoot him meaningful looks at the end when they fly off together into the clouds.
• Accidentally call him Danny Zuko that night when he goes down on you.
• Have the best orgasm of your life.
Is it getting hot in here or is it just global warming?!.
Nice Move208
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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