We are all proud of something about ourselves. For me, it’s being able to go several days without washing my hair, yet still never allowing it to get Jersey Shore greasy. But that’s normal. It’s worth being proud of. Boys, however, all get cocky — borderline obsessed — with the same things, as if having testicles comes with a checklist of things to brag about.
1. Purposely Unattractive Hair
I’m just going to come out and say it. Mullets are not attractive. Ron Swanson mustaches are not attractive. Gorilla chest hair is not attractive. Do guys know this? Logically, they must. However, they continue to walk around looking like Adolf Hitler or some kind of wild animal, because they think there is some kind of “power” behind their white trash hairdo. Why. It seems wrong. Nobody has been into Billy Ray Cyrus since 1982.
2. How Quickly He Can Shotgun.
You know what gets me going? Watching a group of guys stand in a circle as they chug a beer out of the center of the can where it’s been gutted out, as Natty Light trickles down their chins, and then violently slam the can to the ground as if it’s their nemesis. Oh wait. No it fucking doesn’t. However, this doesn’t stop men from engaging in this ritual, literally several times a night, and decide that whoever is the first to finish the big event suddenly holds all the power and respect of his fellow comrades. Why. It’s not that serious.
3. His Five Minutes Of Fame In High School
Remember that one time he caught the football, leaped over the fat bastard on the other team, shoved a young Eli Manning out of the way, had time to shotgun a beer (because he’s soooo good at that too) while running with the football stashed under his armpit, and then scored a touchdown? Me neither. But it won’t stop some guys from spreading the story around like it’s an STDs.
4. His Bank Account
Aww. Little baby took you on his Daddy’s yacht to sip martinis for your first date. Now he thinks you owe him a bj. Wrong. Any guy who flings around money that clearly isn’t his is just straight up annoying. On the flip side, if it is his moola, keep an eye on him. He could be your sugar daddy if all else fails. Regardless, you are always going to come across lads who like to show off their dolla dolla bills, yo. If they’ve got it, they’ll flaunt it.
5. Their Fantasy Football Team
We get it. We accept it. Guys love their Fantasy Football. Tom Brady, Joe Flacco, and Blake Bortles are fuckable and all, but guys drool over them for reasons other than their biceps. If it were up to me, I’d just put all the players that look best in their tight football pants and then gloat about that. However, guys aren’t about that life. They actually partake in the game and fight with their friends about who has the better team. If they win one season, you won’t quit hearing about it for years to come.
6. How Much “Puss” He Crushes
“I had some bitch laying naked in my bed last night begging for it. Who am I to deny her?” It doesn’t matter who the girl is or what the circumstances are, if a guy bones someone, the shithead is going to ensure that the world knows it. Obviously he’s going to brag about his sex life so his bros think he’s “the man.” And while we might like a guy who knows what he’s doing in the sheets, we also don’t want to wake up one morning after sex with a dude to find out we have crabs. Too much pussy crushing isn’t a good thing, boys.
7. Their Fraternity Parties
We are all proud of our letters. We strut around campus in our Comfort Colors tees with our letters pressed on the pocket like it’s a badge of honor. Fraternity guys, though, are quick to boast beyond their letters, and by that I mean mainly their parties. White trash, Hawaiian, Mardi Gras, etc. parties are what I live for. But there’s a fine line between what makes a good frat party and just a bunch of dudes getting sloppy together. No matter what, if they are “throwing down,” you can bet your ass the brothers who partook in the event will want the whole campus to know about the “rager” they threw Friday night.
8. His Vehicle
Sports car, truck, fancy bicycle, pogo stick, or whatever else a guy uses as a form of transportation is a big factor into his ego. Having a nice car is always a bonus to us. But some guys spend their whole paycheck improving their vehicle just to brag about it. If they really wanted to impress us, they’d use that money on us instead of some new rims.
9. Their Dicks
Every guy, ever, can relate. Their wiener is their number one trophy, always..
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Kellie Stritz
Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.
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