She’s probably the sweetest, kindest, least likely member of your chapter to ever commit a serious crime, but when she’s drunkgry, the arsonist is a hazard simply because she exists. Albeit accidentally, this girl has almost burned down your house on multiple occasions–even if she’s whipping up something that requires no gas or electricity whatsoever. Your chapter has seriously considered hiring a 3 a.m. babysitter for her solely because her drunken alter ego is more klutzy and out of touch with reality than Kim Kardashian on NyQuil.
The Carb Queen
During the day, this girl probably avoids carbs like they have the Ebola virus, but come drunchies hour, the carb queen takes her throne. She can either be found huddled in a corner somewhere nonchalantly eating an entire loaf of bread, or spotted with her forehead pressed against the microwave, lifelessly staring at a spinning cup of ramen. There is logic behind it though–something has to absorb the half a fifth running through her blood stream.
The Health Freak
Potentially the most annoying of the drunk eaters, the health freak is basically the carb queen on a mixture of steroids and Adderall. Her drunken attempts at being “healthy” usually consist of downing an entire container of hummus with a baby carrot or two, or inhaling an entire jar of peanut butter with a whopping quarter of a banana. It’s important to cut her some slack though–you’d be on the verge of starvation, too, if you were surviving on nothing but kale, chia seeds, and air all day.
The cheeseaholic by far is one of the best people to be in the kitchen with post-night out. Why? Because you know no matter what she makes, it will taste like pure bliss served to you on a silver platter by a half-naked Ryan Gosling, that’s why. Her secret to the perfect batch of mac and cheese is almost no mac and almost all cheese, and the amount of cheese in one of her grilled cheeses puts Wisconsin’s dairy industry to shame.
The Newborn Latina
When the newborn Latina comes home drunk and ravenous, she makes a beeline to any food with Spanish flare. Her quesadillas are impeccable, her tacos unmatched. She even has hot sauce shipped in from across the border because she thinks Frank’s Hot Sauce is “pussy shit.” This girl holds the world record for the tallest pile of loaded nachos ever created, and, as of recently, also holds the title of “World’s Fastest Consumer of a Jar of Queso.”
The Grease Feign
Otherwise known as “the basic bitch of intoxicated food shoveling,” the grease feign always goes for the typical drunk foods such as French fries, chicken fingers, and the occasional non-oil-blotted pepperoni pizza. But sticking with these staples means skimping on the rest of the greasy food combinations out there, so if you’re a veteran of this category and you see a newbie making these common rookie mistakes, do her a solid and introduce her to the glorious world of fried pickles, cronuts, and bacon-wrapped onion rings.
If Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, and Mrs. Fields somehow birthed an offspring, it would be this girl. Notorious for eating frosting right from the jar, the pre-diabetic’s drunk menu includes, but is certainly not limited to, cookies, candy, ice cream, chocolate, and ANYTHING with Nutella. Although they love her to death, her sisters may or may not be waiting for the day when they find her alone in a corner with nothing but a tablespoon and a carton of granulated sugar.
The Renowned Celebrity Chef
Even though she’s probably never successfully completed a recipe more complicated than Easy Mac, this chick thinks she’s a world-class chef in her drunken state. When you ask her what she’s making, she’ll mumble something in French and then scream, “WITH A SPLASH OF E-V-O-O!” As fun as it is to mess with her a little bit, it’s best not to interrupt her failing attempts at being Rachael Ray if you don’t want her going Gordon Ramsay on your ass.
Last but certainly not least, there’s the vacuum. This is the girl who will rip through your kitchen like a fucking F5 tornado, leaving no box unopened and no leftover untouched. Her sisters describe her as a girl version of Buddy the Elf, because she’ll often grab the first four ingredients she sees and make a food pile out of them. Two veggie burgers, a scoop of spaghetti, four slices of ham, and a pumpkin spice oreo? Okay. Her drunken life motto is “no Hot Pocket left behind,” which she will proudly announce every time she opens a new sleeve of Nilla Wafers.