In honor of my official start at the TFM office, I decided to commemorate my very first ever TSM column Those Girls in Your Pledge Class (horrible title, I know. I meant it like those girls, but it totally didn’t translate without the italics), and write a follow-up. So, a year has passed, and whether you’re still an active member or not, you know older girls who have gone on and started living their new lives, and I’d like to just go through some of our dear sisters and see where they are now.
The One Who Traveled
As many of you are fearing and/or experiencing, post-grad life is not quite the magical, drunken, MO-ey, magical, perfect little sorority world you’ve grown to love over the past four years. And as you were busy loving the magical, drunken, MO-ey, magical perfection of it all, many of you forgot to develop a plan. It totally slipped your mind to apply to grad schools, you are way further than you’d like to admit from locking a husband down, you didn’t start applying for jobs because the whole “I don’t have to be a real person yet” thing had been working so far, and you continued with the “haha, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my degree” joke for a liiiittttle too long. Like until graduation. And it’s not funny any more. So she took advantage of the only option she could come up with that didn’t make her a loser eating cheese in her parents’ basement for a year: She traveled. Everywhere. To all different cities in the US, to Europe, to tropical locations you can’t pronounce. Your facebook is littered with pictures of the Louvre, sunsets, her mega tanned skin, all her super chic clothes from some boutique in Milan, and some lavish lifestyle where she continues to party with some like cousin you’ve never heard of throughout the year. I really wish I could say something negative about her experience and how it’s going to catch up to her. But it probably won’t. Kudos if you’re this girl. Me and my brie were super jealous this year.
The One Who Became A Townie
Remember how she had that suuuuper great fashion internship at Urban Outfitters? She would always brag about how she was learning so much? Welp. That internship turned into a job, except now it’s not cool and extravagant. Now she is a townie working as an administrator at a job in the local mall. Which isn’t even a good mall. At first you might feel jealous a little because like…Omg, she gets to stay totally involved, and have sleepovers with her Little all the time, and she’s probably going to get to make the Woof List during recruitment, and she doesn’t have to leave all the super amazing bars, and omg she gets to stay. Omg, so jealous, right? Wrong. It’s fucking creepy of her to do those things. Think about the girl in the older grades who STAYED. You didn’t think that was cool. You thought it was fucking weird. Like…hello? Why are you still here? You graduated. Grow up. This girl is feeling totally out of place in the place that felt like home without her pledge sisters blacking out by her side. And it’s even worse than being home, because she has to pay for her own groceries.
The One With The Sketchy Home Friends
Sisterhood is forever. Or at least it lasts the first year. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. So you’ll do a fair amount of visiting around in your year off. Reunions are going to occur for pretty much every single birthday there is, NYE, Halloween, St. Patty’s Day, Homecoming, Family Initiation, Greek Week, Recruitment (if you’re lucky), and any other time you’re having a Skype Date and realize you both have the same weekend available. It will be fun, fabulous, and feel like you never parted ways. Except for all these like extra friends you met up with at your PS’s local bar. Who are weird. Like crater-faced, too-many-piercings, fried-haired, cigarette-voiced, sketchy trashball weird. HOW is your perfect, gorgey, well-dressed pledge sister friends with these girls? It doesn’t even make sense. But she is. And you can almost detect the weird vibe coming off of her as she hangs out with them. It’s bizarre, and if you didn’t love her too much to be judging her, you’d totally be judging her.
The One Who Got Married
Ahhh, she always had her eye on the prize, didn’t she. I guess her willingness to sober sister, and “I just don’t like making out with randos” attitude really paid off. Because now she is living her happily ever after. Bitch. You had so much fun at her wedding, and stalked her wedding photos and the absolutely precious slash vomit-inducing love eyes the photographer was able to capture between her and her boy who was “like practically a sister since he’s with us so much.” You then planned out meticulously how you could fake your own death and re-start as a freshman at some other school so you may have four more years to convince some sucker that marriage would be fun since you clearly failed the first time around. I mean you’re happy for her, but like…ugh. She a little bit sucks now. She’s become a “we” and literally talks about the fact that dairy isn’t good for her hub’s belly as she marks things in the circular. So glad you were 22 going on 35. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes stretch marks and saggy nipples due to pregnancy. Enjoy that. Maybe I’m bitter.
The One Who Got SOOOOOOOO Skinny
If you didn’t gain a little bit of weight senior year due to drinking 5-7 nights a week followed by drunk eating in addition to some mild depression about parting with your favorite people and favorite place in the world, then you did senior year wrong. Or your metabolism was bestowed on you specifically by a divine being. Your first year off should be designated to losing that weight. And pretty much everyone does. But this girl…she somehow got skinnier than she was before. Like emace-face skinny. Like it doesn’t even look good skinny. It’s almost a little uncomfortable to be around her. Do you say something? Well, if you’re me you do. “GIRLFRIEND! You are TINY right now! How are you the skinniest person of life?” Response, without fail will be: “Haha, stop you’re crazy. I only lost like seven pounds.” NOT. Someone get this girl a cheeseburger, or at the very least add a splash of cranberry juice to her vodka soda with lime.
The One Who Got Her Shit Together
This is a little weird. Blackout Blaire suddenly became a responsible adult with a respectable 9-5 job, and a handsome boyfriend. Even during reunions, she can be described as almost even a little….boring. Not 100% boring. The girl you love is still in there. But her drinking has been reduced to weekends only at happy hour quantities, and you’re much more familiar with her as the girl chasing her shots with a double LIT and then making out with whomever can catch her fall with his lips. Good for her, I guess, she was bordering on burn-out when she was so wasted she couldn’t throw her graduation cap but for the rest of us, it feels a little Twilight Zoney.
The One Who Dropped Off The Face Of The Earth
It started off casually. She didn’t show up to a lot of graduation parties. Ok, weird, but like whatever. And then she didn’t go to the first birthday party. Ok, slightly peeved, everyone knows sorority birthdays are the most important events in existence. Then she didn’t come to HOMECOMING?!?!?!? Hello? Who are you. No one knows. She has a boyfriend you think? You saw lots of pictures of her and some guy. And she has a job doing something, you can’t totally remember what in DC. But, that’s pretty much it. The joke will quickly become Stephanie? Who’s that? But it’s not a joke. It’s sad. Now she’s just somebody that you used to know. Literally. Don’t be that girl.
Not to say these are the only options. Most of my sisters are now off living their fabulous new lives in their fabulous new cities, being the most fabulous post-grad sratties they can be. So not to worry, girls. Graduation is not all bad.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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