All this talk about penises is making meeee hungry. Or. I mean. Whatever.
So this week in the Holy Land, a 35-year-old Israeli man was taking a little trip to visit his parents. He was just minding his own business, aptly avoiding his nagging mother’s questions about why he still thought it was appropriate to black out during happy hours (probably), when the urge struck him to relieve himself. He did what any man would do, and journeyed to the little boy’s room to take a holy shit, as I’m sure all shits are in the land of our Messiah and/or he peed sitting down, rendering him unworthy of his penis anyway.
Before his mother even had time to question his whereabouts, a SNAKE slithered up through the sewage pipe, presumably feeling threatened by another snake entering its territory, thought, “This toilet ain’t big enough for the two of us,” and promptly attempted a second circumcision by biting the Israeli man on the penis. BITING. HIM. ON. THE. PENIS. The TFM Staff weighed in:
- “DO NOT WANT.” — Champs. Weird, because my ex prayed for the day this would happen to him.
- “If this happened to me I’d kill myself.” — Champs. We get it, Champs, you’re a big fan of your penis.
- “This is a legitimate fear of mine.” — Blutarsky. I guess you’re scared shitless. Get it?
- “Stories like this are real rattlers.” — JParks. Everyone laugh at JParks.
- “This is why I purposely keep my penis as hairy as possible, so that toilet snakes mistake it for a mongoose. This is also why I nicknamed my penis Rikki-Tikki-Tavi. This is also why I’m single. Of course the only thing that makes your dick more useless than a snakebite is a girlfriend, AMIRIGHT!?!?!“ – Bacon. You heard right, ladies. Bacon is single.
I must admit, I think it’s pretty ridiculous that my colleagues are cautious about wildlife in their toilets, because I’ve never even seen a snake in real life — the reptile, not the body part — let alone in my bathroom, but apparently there really is cause for concern. This is not the first time something like this has happened. In 2009, a Taiwanese man was also bitten by a snake who swam up through his toilet. He had an alarmingly positive response to his little incident:
“It was the snake’s signal for help when it bit me,” the man, identified as Lin, was quoted as saying. “If it hadn’t maybe it would have been stuck in the septic tank and either suffocated or starved to death. It looked like an accident but it was actually fate.”
How understanding. I bet good, old Lin would make some lady a great husband, assuming he still has full usage of his member.
As for our Israeli friend, he is recovering well. He was rushed to an emergency room where he was told that the snake was not poisonous, and barring some bite marks, he’ll be just fine. Good for you, man. Good for you.
[via Huffington Post]
Image via BBC
Nice Move172
Respond
Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
vmruckh
veronica@grandex.co
