An Israeli man was recently arrested for conning women into penetration by claiming to be a sorcerer. He assured them sleeping with him would help them recover from their bad breakups. I’ve always said the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, and now, for the low price of a couple thousand shekels, you too can get over your ex. Here I thought that any old guy would do the *trick,* but I’m not magician, so I guess I can’t be sure.
I can’t say I blame the gals. Bad breakups can make you do crazy things. Just look at Miley Cyrus. Whether you’re dry-humping a wrecking ball, or your ex’s best friend, times are rough. Let’s not judge these girls for mixing business with pleasure.
A magician will never reveal his tricks, but luckily, the police got involved with this one, so we have the dirty details. The sorcerer in question gave women a series of expensive treatments which would eventually heal them. That actually sounds pretty solid to me. Just think how refreshing a trip to the spa is post-breakup. This sounds even better, as long as you picture our witch doctor as the smoking hot prostitute from The Mindy Project, ready to be “Pretty Woman’d.” If he’s more akin to Mystery from The Pick-Up Artist, however, then pass.
After his “clients'” treatment began, Dumbledore convinced the ladies that the last step in their (s)exorcism involved intercourse with him to get rid of their exes. He told them that the power of sorcery (his words) could only be put into place with penetration, which sounds like Harry Potter porn. This honestly sounds like a great pickup line. Gentlemen, take note. Just grab a girl at her most vulnerable state and offer her sex with the explicit promise that it’s a magical cure for whatever ails her. You’re barely even lying! Most guys think their peens are magic wands, and their jizz is magic potion anyway. Might as well get some cash money for it. Now, that’s a power move.
The man in question was arrested last week and charged with sexual assault, which is kind of silly if you think about it. Guys lie to get into bed all the time. No one gets arrested for telling you he has a fish tank in his room or for claiming to be disease-free, so this is really pretty inconsistent.
The takeaway: a genie’s won’t appear out of a bottle if you rub it, so when you’re in the depths of despair, it’s better just to rub a bottle of vodka — what comes out of there will ALWAYS make you feel better. Don’t give a faux-wizard access to your own personal wizard’s sleeve, and certainly don’t pay him to be there.
In a strange twist, the victim is now under house arrest for asking her magician man friend to attack her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. My only hope is that she’ll reunite with her wizard when he breaks her out of the house using his magical powers in a rom-com turn of events. After all, with a little bit of magic, anything is possible.
[via Gawker]
Image via Daily Mail
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Fleur de Lilly
Fleur de Lilly (@margaretabrams) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems. When she's not corrupting her big's baby, she can be found decoding texts, gravitating towards raised surfaces, and spending time with her gentleman caller, Jack Daniels. She loves Lilly, Louisiana, and her lineage.
@margaretabrams
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