Do you like your music loud? Be careful, because your next-door neighbor could bite your penis off. 41-year-old Jason Martin has been found guilty of biting his neighbor’s penis “like a sandwich” during a particularly hot and heavy argument. While I’m all for getting your aggression out when it comes to roomies or neighbors, I think he took his a bit(e) too far. The argument began when Martin’s neighbor, Richard (can’t help but wonder if his nickname is Dick) Henderson, was playing his Xbox too loudly, proof that video games are dangerous. In a passive aggressive move, Henderson texted Martin to turn down the music. When Henderson refused, Martin, who only has one single tooth, went down himself and bit Henderson’s penis so hard that it required stitches.
“How is this possible?” You’re probably wondering, while you put on your athletic cup, cringe, and vow to never play loud music in the frat castle ever again. Apparently, Henderson was already wearing his jammies, which, with the help of a headlock, made his junk easily accessible. Martin was found guilty, even after he defended himself:
I have only got a couple of teeth in the lower part of my mouth. I can’t even bite into a hard-boiled egg. I am not homosexual and there is no way I would put a man’s penis in my mouth. Even the thought of it makes me sick.
If you need me, I’ll be vomiting everywhere for the rest of the day with this luscious image in my mind. Penis: it’s what’s for breakfast. Martin went on to show the jury his empty mouth, and further defend himself.
I accept that I did grab his testicles, not maliciously or to hurt him badly.
I’m sorry, but unless you’re trying to make a move, which you’ve already said you’re not into, what other reason is there for grabbing his peen? Either you’re on the attack, or you’re giving him a quick handy. So high school. Martin explains.
“I didn’t know if it was his penis or his testicles or his upper leg or arm. I didn’t know what it was.
I’m sorry, what? I know they were in a fight, apparently of epic proportions, but you don’t have to be an anatomy professor to discern between a penis and an arm. When Henderson was asked for comment, he described the experience.
My willy was not attached to the rest of my body. I have never experienced that kind of pain to this day and I don’t want to experience it ever again.
The drawback to this story is that we’re all going to have horrifying nightmares of a bummy meth head with a single tooth biting his neighbor’s willy off, but the upside is that the word “willy” is making a comeback.
[via Gawker]
Image via Medical Info
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Fleur de Lilly
Fleur de Lilly (@margaretabrams) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems. When she's not corrupting her big's baby, she can be found decoding texts, gravitating towards raised surfaces, and spending time with her gentleman caller, Jack Daniels. She loves Lilly, Louisiana, and her lineage.
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