Arizona State, you’ve done it again. Before we begin, let’s look at a little rap sheet of what you’ve been up to lately.
• You started your semester off with 857 arrests in the first two weeks.
• Then, you followed that up with 510 more arrests in the third week, bringing the three-week total to 1,367 arrests.
• The sugar daddies that you found online, as is commonly practiced at your school must be so proud.
• We hadn’t heard from you for awhile, but then there was that girl who went as “Naked” for Halloween…
• Followed shortly by that other girl who went as “Naked” for Halloween.
• This, of course, was all when ASU is “censored.” We learned that when ASU is “uncensored,” girls broadcast how badly they’d like for a frat guy to take their virginity.
• You landed yourself the number two spot on a list of schools with most adulterous alumni.
• And just yesterday, we reported on a riot over Pac 12 Championship Tickets.
Apparently, though, the riot could have been avoided if more students had known about our most recent discovery: there is an ecstasy manufacturing operation right in one of ASU’s dorms! That riot could have been an orgy if word had gotten out two days ago.
After stopping a vehicle on Interstate 17, an Arizona Department of Public Safety officer discovered that the 20-year-old driver was riding dirty. He had a backpack filled with ecstasy and cocaine, which secured DPS a search warrant for the student’s dorm room. There, DPS found thousands of ecstasy pills along with 30 pounds of the product used to make ecstasy. Officials described the student’s dorm room as “essentially a pill factory which included a ‘pill press’ complete with a motor.”
The student is being charged with “possession of marijuana, possession of a dangerous drug, possession of a dangerous drug for sale, transportation of a dangerous drug for sale, manufacturing of a dangerous drug and conducting an illegal enterprise and conspiracy.” That’s quite a stacked résumé for someone who can’t even legally drink yet.
Fucking ASU, man. (Translation: never stop.)
Per an email from an ASU student:
The dorm room was actually a greek housing “test” at our on campus apartment complex. Its a section of the apartment complex that was reserved specifically for greek students, and if we could successfully live in this environment the university would move forward. The issue is is that we were well on our way to greek housing. This is the first year after the demolition of alpha drive and the existence of sorority dorming that they provided greek housing, along WITH support of the university. This arrest means we are most likely NEVER getting real houses. The student is greek but we don’t actually know who it is yet.
Per ^that person’s frenemy.
Whoever sent in the tip about the kid arrested for producing ecstacy does not know what they’re talking about. This happened in my apartment complex so I can guarantee their claim is 100% inaccurate. The Greek housing is located in building G at Vista and the raid was in building A. Please fix this before President Crow takes yet another shit on our greek life! Thanks.
Data is, apparently, inconclusive.
[via ABC]
Image via NCSU
Nice Move244
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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