This might take the cake as the worst, most horrific, beyond brutal public breakup of all time. The scorned girlfriend, who purposely remained nameless, accuses her (now ex) boyfriend of cheating on her with multiple women…including some of a questionable age. That’s right, homegirl dropped the “P” Word (pedophile) in the Dear John letter she posted to her own Facebook. To make matters worse, Jason Stonebraker, the shitty boyfriend in question, works as a high school basketball coach. Or, worked, rather, as he resigned yesterday, following the public breakup. According to Warren County Public Schools, Stonebraker is now under investigation for unlawful and inappropriate behavior. When it rains, it pours. Also, while this guy sounds like a total douche, his ex-girlfriend doesn’t sound too great, either. If I had to date her, I’d cheat too.
Dirty laundry time! I don’t usually share drama on social media, but I need to bring this to the world’s attention. I know you’ve seen a lot of activity from me lately flaunting my adorable relationship with the boyfriend, Jason Stonebraker. While these things truly happened, I was not honest with you about my true feelings. These posts were part of a plan to end my relationship. Let me tell you why.
I recently found out my wonderful, committed boyfriend (with whom I currently live) has been cheating on me with at least five women. They range in age and appearance and are, I’m sure, just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll choose to take the high road here and not divulge their names. It all started when I stumbled upon his phone and found some very incriminating texts and pictures. For the record, I am no snooper. It’s just not my style. I was only curious, just wondering what he’d been up to. I have nothing to hide and assumed he didn’t either.
But sure enough, I struck infidelity gold and discovered what a twisted psychopath he really is.
The fun part of the story is that when he left for work this morning, I kissed him goodbye and asked what he’d like for dinner tonight. Tonight when he gets home, however, he will find an empty apartment and this letter:
February 24, 2014
To Coach Jason (Stoney) Stonebraker:
YOU ARE A FOOL. You’re a liar, a cheater, and a borderline pedophile. You disgust me. You’ve used me and taken me for granted far too long. I will not waste one more precious minute with your sorry self.
You call me crazy—the lamest, most overused derogatory insult for a woman. (I know you struggle with big words, so derogatory=bad.) I’ll admit, I was crazy. Crazy for lowering my standards for you. Crazy for believing you had potential. Crazy for making excuses for your faults and overlooking your downfalls. Crazy for believing you when you told me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Crazy for wasting 2 1/2 years on you. Crazy to move from Nashville to Bowling Green to be with you. Like I always say, “Behind every crazy woman is a man who made her that way.”
I couldn’t care less what you think of me. Lions do not lose sleep over opinions of sheep.
To reiterate (that means “go over it again”): I am light years out of your league. I am smarter than you, more successful than you, and kinder than you deserve. I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU. And everyone knows it. I see the look in your friends’ eyes. The look that says “why are YOU with HIM?” None of my friends or family can stand you and have eagerly encouraged me to leave you for years. I should have listened sooner.
About the apartment: I terminated the lease weeks ago. (Yes, WEEKS.) It’s up March 31st. You have two options: 1) pay March rent or 2) GTFO. We both know you’re broke with barely an income, so I assume you’ll move back in with mommy and daddy—if they let you. Remember how happy they were when I moved to Bowling Green a year ago and you FINALLY moved out of their house? LOL
You’re a broke, 30 year old manwhore who lives with his parents. And it’s likely you’ll be without a job very soon. So lame.
I feel as though an elephant has been lifted from my shoulders—or should I say a yeti? I’ve supported you, I’ve paid for EVERYTHING, I’ve cooked, cleaned, and done your laundry. I gave you my entire heart and everything I have but still this wasn’t enough for you. You’ve wanted for nothing, yet you still felt the need for attention from other women? You just needed your ego stroked—among other things. Because that’s the kind of person you are. You are a twisted psychopath and a master manipulator of women. You flaunt a bravado to cover up your wild insecurities. You are the most pretentious egomaniac I’ve ever met. (All those big words mean “you talk a big game but you ain’t shit.”)
In conclusion, I am elated to be done with you. Thank you for giving me an easy out. I‘ve struggled with wanting to leave you for months but my big heart didn’t want to hurt YOU or leave you stranded without a place to live. (Really, where are you going to go?) In light of your multiple infidelities, I have found clarity and peace. I may mourn the loss of a relationship, but I will never mourn you. I cannot wait to get you out my life. I’d rather live in a polar vortex for a hundred years than spend one more day with you.
I will go on to be the amazing, independent woman that I am: charming, successful, kind, clever, witty, faithful, talented, and wicked smart…my list of attributes is a mile long.
And you’re the fool that let me go.
Bless your stupid, stupid heart.
P.S. Although I’m sure there’ve been countless others, your epic douchery has come to my attention only in the past few weeks. Everything I’ve done since then has been a calculated step in my overall strategy to leave you. Nothing I’ve done has been without purpose. Holding my tongue and acting as if everything was normal: the purpose was to blindside you. AND IT WORKED. The whole twitter ordeal and tagging you on social media: the purpose was to call attention to myself and let the other women know you had a live-in CURRENT girlfriend so they could also see what a dog you are. AND IT WORKED. Packing my belongings bit by bit “to sell in a yard sale”: the purpose was to make it easier on me moving day. AND IT WORKED. Telling you I’m working from home today: the purpose was so I could pack in peace whilst you were at school. AND IT WORKED.
Not only do you take me for granted, but you also overwhelmingly underestimate me.
Hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned, Jason.
I have already moved on from you. And it was easy.
So the moral of this story is, a man should never underestimate a woman with bigger balls.
The moral of the story, actually, is to not be such a crazy bitch.
[via Dead Spin]
Nice Move282
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Catie Warren
From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
