Less than a month ago, every single person with a vagina thought twice about renouncing the view that true love doesn’t exist. We have been so convinced after years of ignored texts, the whole “you’re so cool but I have to work on myself/move to Antigua/am allergic to blondes” thing, and a general sense that we’re basically just blow-up sex dolls who will end up alone with a really mean cat, because even our cat will hate us. How were we supposed to know “love” is a real thing?
Last month, when the man we have fantasized about for the past 16 years, Ashton Kutcher, and the woman we have fantasized about for the past 16 years, Mila Kunis, announced that they were getting married. The two “That ’70s Show” cast members (and our favorite on-air couple since before we gave up on the whole “finding a life partner” thing) had been dating for about two years when Kunis starting sporting a rock on her left hand. We literally died. Like, I can’t.
But then, I can–because last night, it got better.
A source told E! Online that our 30-year-old lady crush is, in fact, pregnant. Cue all the ovaries dancing with happiness.
According to the source, the baby is a surprise but the couple is “up for the challenge.” This is most likely because this baby will be a gift to society due to the absolute perfection that created this little shitting machine.
It just goes to show that you should never give up hope. When Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds broke up without ever giving the world a child, I thought there was no hope of seeing an actual attractive baby, and we would just have to keep lying about the others (OMG she’s soooo cute. Her pug nose looks JUST like her father’s). But the clouds have lifted and the birth control has failed!
As the saying goes, “When one celebrity couple breaks up without a baby, a better couple comes together to accidentally create one.” Or something like that.
[via E! Online]
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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