Oh, my. Time was good to them.
Zac Efron: We all fell in love with him during “High School Musical,” when we felt our vaginas tingle for the first time at the sight of him. Today, he has far exceeded our expectations. Those abs. That face. Those abs. He has proven that good things do come for those who wait, and boy, oh boy, I have waited, and now it’s time to come…I mean–what?
Age: 26
Favorite Quote: “I’m very competitive by nature. And I like to be the underdog–it’s the best way to win. To come from behind and win is a great feeling!”
He can come from behind any day.
Nick Jonas: Full disclosure, I do not like the Jonas Brothers. I saw one episode of the reality show where the one who has a bitch wife said he “waited until marriage” and then I peaced out. Some of my best friends, however, are completely obsessed (despite the fact that they are in their twenties) so I figured what the hell? I’ll Google them. Little did I know, an angel was among them in the form of Nick. Upon searching “Nick Jonas shirtless,” I saw the light. And his abs. I now believe.
Age: 21
Favorite Quote: “Don’t touch my muscles.”
LOL, not making any promises.
David Henrie: The only person I could possibly love more than Ted Mosby is Ted Mosby’s son. Cue: David. Yeah, yeah, he was on the Disney Channel in some wizard show, but the only reason I know this tall, dark, and handsome devil is because when I wasn’t busy drooling over his television father in “How I Met Your Mother,” I was drooling over him. I like to keep things in the family, you know?
Age: 24
Best Quote: “I’d like to spend a day in Jesus’s life. That’d be the most insane thing ever. I would love to do that.”
I’m just going to leave this here.
Ross Lynch: So, I didn’t even know this infant child existed until I did some light digging. Turns out, he’s all the rave in the pre-menopausal community. I don’t know if it’s his baby face or his barely legal age that makes me feel like cougar, but either way, I love the cradle-robbing feeling he gives me.
Age: 18
Favorite Quote: “I’m looking for a girl who’s fun to be around.”
He just has a way with words, doesn’t he? A true philosopher. If you’re looking for an older woman, Ross, I know how to have fun.
Corbin Bleu: We knew him as the ‘fro kid from “High School Musical,” but as time when on, it was obvious that he was really just becoming the man he was meant to be. By that, I mean he got insanely hot. He did a few other acting gigs before and after “HSM,” but I’d say his biggest accomplishment is becoming jaw-droppingly delicious.
Age: 25
Best Quote: “You have to be fine with who you are.”
AKA, your future baby mama.
Ricky Ullman: “Phil of the Future.” Holy shit. For a large portion of my Disney Channel days, I had erotic thoughts about Mr. Ullman. Those puppy dog eyes. That “I’m a fun, laid back guy who will tell you jokes while we lie on a hammock” smile. If you want to find some good pictures of him for your own, uh, personal reasons, he now goes by his birth name, Raviv. Because he’s exotic. And hot. Very, very hot.
Age: 28
Best Quote: “So basically, the whole neighborhood watched me shoot a scene in my boxers.”
I hate every single person in that neighborhood.
Justin Timberlake: I really don’t think I even need to explain this one.
Age: 33
Best Quote: “Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve overwhelmed the girl. They just can’t handle all the love.”
I can handle the love, Justin. I can handle the love.
Spencer Boldman: He’s in shows that are way past our days, such as “Lab Rats” (which sounds far too educational for me) but honestly, I’d be down to learn some science with Spence. Well, if it’s anatomy (buh-dum-chh). His jaw was obviously carved out by the heavens, and he was sent to Earth to encourage us to, like, be good people and watch “iCarly.”
Age: 21
Best Quote: …
He seems to have never said anything funny or provocative enough for me to quote. It’s okay though–I don’t want him for his brain.
Austin Butler: No wonder young Carrie Bradshaw was going to give up her future to be with him. I’d give up stuff to be with him, too, like career goals and morals. He does that pout with his giant lips and his smoldering eyes do that “I know you want me” thing, which makes me have to freshen up in the bathroom, post-haste. Just kidding…not.
Age: 22
Best Quote: “The people who support me are so great! They all say such nice things that make me feel really great.”
I can make you feel great, Mr. Butler.
Nice Move439
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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