Hot Soccer Players Are Now Banned From Getting Laid, Public Outcry Ensues

With a tournament full of guys like Ronaldo, Giroud, and Dempsey, it’s no secret that the World Cup soccer players are among the hottest men on the planet. Unfortunately for some teams, it looks like actual soccer goals are the only kind of scoring action they’ll see down in Brazil this year. In other words, coaches are instituting strict World Cup sex policies for their players.

Even though it has been proven that sex represents no physical detriment to athletic performance, coaches in countries like Mexico, Chile, and Russia aren’t convinced. As a result, they have completely banned player sex for the entire duration of the tournament.

Other countries have opted for more “complicated” rules. These Joe Jonas-esque countries have sex policies in place, but behind closed doors, it’s a different story. France permits certain types of sex, and the variations allowed depend on the duration and frequency. Nigeria only allows sex with wives–no girlfriends. Costa Rica will only give the green light after the second round of the tournament. And as for the home country of Brazil? Those guys are permitted to engage in whichever sexual activity the player sees fit, so long as it isn’t too “acrobatic.”

The good news is that players hailing from countries like Germany, Australia, Italy, England, and the United States are free from these rules. Their World Cup sex restriction policy is simple–sex isn’t restricted. Now if that doesn’t prove that we really are the land of the free and the home of the brave, I don’t know what does.

Check out the full list below.