Since the dawn of time, from caveman days to the Middle Ages, from the Renaissance to the American Revolution, and from the 1980s to last night when the guy I brought home SWORE he was single but I guess I was wrong, mankind has asked one question of their closest partners and confidants: “So, uhhhh, do you ever…wanna have a threesome?”
It’s like a “Frozen” song from hell: “Do you wanna have a threesome? / Let’s bring a new girl home to play!”
Odds are, no matter who you’re dating, this will come up at some point in your relationship, and I’ll bet dollars to cock rings that he’ll be the one to bring it up. A LOT of emotions and thoughts will go through your head, especially if this is the first time this has happened to you. But, frankly, by Einstein’s Law of Male Douchebaggery, you’ve probably heard this at least 10 times before graduating college. Shit, maybe 10 times before high school. Really though, it’s not all that scary and it can actually lead to a more open, honest, and, dare I say it, fun relationship. Here’s what you’ve got to do.
Step 1: Don’t Panic
So your boyfriend just told you he has the desire to have sex with another girl. Okay. Let’s get all your crazy thoughts out of the way and get past them right now. This does NOT mean he no longer finds you attractive. It DOESN’T mean he wants to leave you. This actually ALSO doesn’t make him a scumbag. Forget that scene from “Sex and the City” where Charlotte lets her architect boyfriend have a threesome and she just gets completely ignored by the two of them bumping uglies. I guarantee that if you’re doing it with your boyfriend, it would be less “Three’s a Crowd” and more “A ‘Vogue’ Idea,” like when Richard wants a threesome and Samantha gets the cocktail waitress to join them in bed but they end up just kicking her out of bed and banging while she lies on the floor, pissed off. Get out of your own head, try to ditch the crazy thoughts, and approach things rationally.
Step 2: Don’t Do Anything You Don’t Want To Do
This is definitely going to take some thinking. As much as, in retrospect, group sex isn’t that big a deal, it’s pretty nerve-racking the first couple times around. There will be a lot of things that run through your head, as I stated before, but one thing is absolutely clear–do not, I repeat, DO NOT do this unless it is something you want to do. That can NOT be more important. I’m not saying that in a “consent” sort of way, either, though consent is obviously the most important thing about sex. I mean unless you truly, deeply want to have a threesome or you have a true desire to try group sex, don’t do this. Don’t do it because your boyfriend/friend with benefits/fuck buddy/swarthy Latino lover wants to try it, because that is a dangerous precedent to set. You are a beautiful, smart, independent woman and if you’re worried that by saying no, you’ll be seen as “prude” or “frigid” or “not adventurous,” fuck him. You deserve better, anyway.
Step 3: Talk About It Openly
If it’s gotten to this point, you two need to sit down and talk about it, person-to-person, face-to-face. It’s a pretty big deal. You’re inviting someone else into your relationship and into the bedroom and things can just get messy. Talk about your feelings. Talk about HIS feelings. And also, this could not be more important: MAKE SURE YOU’RE DOING THIS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
What do I mean by that? I mean, you should make sure he wants to do it because he wants the experience of a threesome and wants to try something new–not because he wants some strange ass. That’s not a threesome, that’s an excuse to cheat without consequences. That makes him a scumbag.
Step 4: Set Boundaries
If you’ve gotten to this point, it means that you’re probably willing to let it happen. Now it’s time to move onto the specifics, the negotiation part of the deal. It’s very important that you both know exactly what you want out of this. If either of you have any specific guidelines, now is the time to get them out there. I’ve heard some couples say that kissing the third person goes a bit too far–it’s a little too intimate for the other person to handle. Some might even say that the other girl can’t touch the guy. And most of you ladies will absolutely say no #ButtStuff. Whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote. You’d better be absolutely clear with what you want, and if you say he can do something and he does it, do NOT get mad, because that’s how these things turn into fights that end relationships–and you certainly don’t want him to end your relationship before you get yours…
Step 5: He Best Be Ready To Reciprocate
Mmmmhmmmmm, ladies. Your man best be prepared to give you yours if he wants his, know what I’m saying? You gotta get it, girl, and this is your golden opportunity. Taking on two guys at once might seem really scary and a lot of people might think it’s really slutty, but fuck those uptight bitches. This is your life, not anyone else’s, and you do what you want. It’s empowering and awesome, and if your boyfriend wants to get his girl-girl action on, you should be completely within your rights to ask his former lacrosse teammate from high school if he wants to come over with his stick and have a catch, know what I mean?
Step 6: How To Find A Third Person
This is probably the hardest part. Everybody’s searching for the unicorn who’s single and into both sexes equally, but, frankly, they’re pretty fucking hard to find. They might not even exist. That’s why they call them unicorns. Tinder is probably your best friend here, because both of you can search for the gender you’re looking for and be like, “Listen, I’ve got a boo, but he’s DTF and so are you, so why don’t we just save time and effort and cuddle together for warmth. Sound good?” Craigslist can also be good, but you have to be careful with that one, because you might find hookers/cops pretending to be hookers/murderers pretending to be cops pretending to be hookers/catfish/etc., and that’s not good.
Also, best advice, you can totally use a friend or an acquaintance who you’re comfortable enough with, like someone where there’s always been sexual tension. Just be careful that the person knows what’s good, and make sure it’s someone you honestly don’t care about fucking up your friendship with if things get awkward. It’s a crapshoot–you guys could find a recurring third fuck buddy, or you could lose your best friend because she caught feelings. It’s not your fault you be catching bitches while bitches be catching feelings.
STEP 7: The Aftermath
Immediately after it’s all over and the third person goes home, you have to deal with moving forward. First of all, go shower. I can’t believe I have to say this, but do NOT come back into bed with me with stink and God knows what else on you from another person. Go clean yourself off, and scrub hard.
After that, lie in bed and pillow-talk with your significant other. Talk about it: what you liked, what you didn’t like, what you’d do again, what you wouldn’t do again, if you’d ever even ATTEMPT to do it again, then take some time to talk about how much you love each other or how sexy you find your partner. Definitely emphasize how hot it was seeing him do things to another person. Make him feel important and sexy, but definitely try to make yourself feel good, too. Insecurities in these situations can honestly kill a relationship, so you guys should make each other feel important and sexy, and you should reassure one another that the other person in any scenario is nothing compared to you two and what you have together.
Then, after that, comes the fun part: YOU asking your boyfriend for a threesome. Good luck, sexy bitches!
Nice Move469
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Stefon
New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com
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