1. The Frat Star
You’re in a dimly-lit bar and you see him double fisting Keystone Light from across the room. He’s probably surrounded by his friends and they’re probably all laughing because someone said “poop.” You walk over and you think you sweet-talk your way into his pants, but the joke’s on you, because this guy knew the deal was set the moment you made eye contact with him. He knew that all he had to do was nod his head and say, “yeah.” He’s probably lackluster in bed, but who cares? He’s hot.
2. The Drug Dealer
You know what’s the worst? Paying for drugs and alcohol. If you play your cards right, you’ll find a guy who happily offers you whatever nose candy your little heart desires, and all you have to do is suck his dick. He’s usually good in bed and has lots of stories to tell, but don’t expect a cuddle sesh. This is similar to a drug deal–it’s a quick in and out.
3. The Jack Hammer
This one is loud and obnoxious. You’ve probably had one too many drinks and shouldn’t go home with him, but your friends are all just as drunk and have found their own bad decisions. Once you get to his place, he’ll immediately take off his shirt and push you up against the wall. Not a bad start, but this guy is so eager to get it in for the first time in nine months that he’ll start pounding away and won’t listen to anything you say. Don’t make the mistake of sleeping over. Your vag can’t handle a round two.
4. The One Who Has A Crush On You But You Do Not Reciprocate Those Feelings
This guy is your bestie. You’re always hanging around with him because he’s funny and probably has cute friends with names like Dean. He likes to put his arm around you and maybe you’ve even exchanged a drunken kiss, then received a text from him the morning after saying, “Hahaha so how about that kiss?” And since you were blacked out at the time, you’ll respond, “OMG DID I KISS DEAN?” But one night after you’ve had a little too much to drink, the inevitable will happen. He’ll offer to let you sleep in his bed, one thing will lead to another, and in the morning you’ll realize you’ve made a horrible mistake.
5. The One You Have A Crush On But He Does Not Reciprocate Those Feelings
This guy is studying something like pre-law or pre-med, and although you’ve never actually talked to him, you have a feeling he’s The One. One night, around your fifth drink, you will finally muster up enough courage to approach him, and you’ll think you two completely hit it off when the conversation actually went more like, “Sooo do you like to drink?” “Um…yeah?” “Me, too. Hehehehe.” The sex will be okay, but you will completely play it up in your mind. In the morning, you will wake him up, but not before you watch him sleep for 30 minutes–he’s just so darn cute when he’s tired. After you wake him up and start talking his ear off, he will probably offer to take you home and buy you McDonald’s breakfast just to get you to shut up. You will think this counts as a date. It doesn’t.
6. The One Who’s There When You’re Bored
Every girl needs one of these. He’s great at sex and is always a good time out of bed, too. You’ll probably take him on a lot of your date dashes and formals. He’ll also be there for you on those random Tuesday nights when you get drunk and horny. But like all good things, this one will eventually come to an end. After three months tops, you’ll find yourself having the dreaded “What are we?” conversation.
7. The One Night Stand Who Blows Your Mind
This guy comes out of nowhere. He’s very suave and probably has an accent. As the night progresses, you two will find yourselves making out in the darkest corner of the bar. There’s a lot of sexual tension during the cab ride home, and you can hardly keep your hands to yourself. The sex is a marathon, and once it’s over, you feel numb and satisfied and you immediately fall asleep. In the morning he will nudge you with his boner as a reminder that “this dick ain’t sucking itself.” The morning sex is somehow even better than the night before. When you get ready to leave, he’ll say he’ll call you, and as you walk home in a state of bliss, you realize you never even gave him your number.
8. The One Who Doesn’t Last For More Than Two Minutes And Immediately Rolls Over And Falls Asleep
This guy is probably a freshman. How do they keep letting these guys into the bars? You will offer for him to come to your place because he lives in the dorms and has a roommate. He’s a good kisser and you’ll be excited for more but he’ll suddenly groan and fall limp. Wait, it’s over? He’s lying spread eagle on the bed and you wonder if he’s dead, but then you poke him and he snores. In the morning, he’ll try to cuddle but you’ll fake having to get ready to go to class. It’s Sunday.
Read “8 Girls You’ll Sleep With In College” HERE.
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