We’ve heard the horror stories. We had planned to stay single to avoid it. We didn’t even know boys EXISTED. What are boys? And then, one day, a beautiful piece of man meat filled with muscles and eyes that make you swoon jumps into your life. He’s great and things are great and the sex is, well, mediocre, but hey, life isn’t perfect. All of a sudden, you’re faced with the shitty reality that he goes to one school and you go to a different one. A far away different one. A can’t-spend-the-night-together-every-night-or-even-every-weekend different one.
Shit.
After swearing that we will never succumb to it, we are suddenly faced with the reality that we are in a long distance relationship. My first piece of advice is to, well, not be in a long distance relationship. It’s messy, annoying, and there’s always a girl who happens to like every single picture he posts DESPITE the fact that she knows he has a girlfriend. Take your slutty likes somewhere else, bitch. But you’re better than that, and because you are an AWESOME girlfriend (and to remind him that you exist and you are far more fabulous than “like” girl) you decide to send him a care package.
What to include can be tricky. You want to seem super cool but not like you’re trying too hard. Don’t send locks of your own hair or worn underwear. Don’t send him a six-page-long love letter and then call him the day he gets it expecting a book report highlighting the important aspects of your work. Instead, include one (or all) of the following to keep him in the palm of your far away hand.
Some Sort of Video Game
Video games are my personal favorite items to give when it comes to LDR gifts. Not only do you get a prize for being the coolest girlfriend ever (stop it, stop it) but if it’s a game he’s been dying to have, you have him exactly where you want him: in front of his Xbox until 5 a.m. making virtual men run up and down a fake field, instead of at a bar with needy girls.
Food
We all know (most) boys can’t cook for shit. They make ramen and hotdogs and think they’re delicacies. Being the perfect girlfriend you are, you want to just spoil him with baked goods and feed him right. It will say that you care and you love him, and will also show him how housewife-y you are! Bonus points: maybe it will make him fatter and therefore keep the girls away. If you can’t cook, get some store-bought cookies and put them in your own bags or Tupperware. No one has to know you actually can’t cook for shit.
A Sexy Picture
Nothing says “good, old-fashioned care package” like a good, old-fashioned nudie pic. There has been a lot of controversy about naked pictures lately, since everyone seems to have had her dirty photo shoot revealed. But, like, I’m sure your guy won’t show anyone…
A Book About Sports Or Some Other Guy Fascination
Just give him a book with a ball or a car on it and he should like it. Sort of in the same theory of the video game, this is something to keep him busy so he doesn’t get busy with another girl. Unfortunately, books are much less cool than electronic games, but it’s the “let me keep you occupied” thought that counts.
A Kate Upton Calendar
You’ll get cool points. He’ll be so busy jerking to it, he won’t need to find anyone else. I know it sucks, but really she’s, like, not even that hot. And I bet you’re way smarter. Give him the gift of monthly sexual pictures out of love. Do it for love.
To Not Be In A Long Distance Relationship
Last but far from least, that’s what he wants, because LDRs suck big time. He has all the restrictions of being in a relationship without the only reason guys are in a relationship (steady sex). But unless you pull a “Dear John” and send him a letter saying you want it to be over, I don’t suggest ending the relationship via care package–but if you do, tell me all about it. And still include that Kate Upton calendar. He’s going to need it.
Nice Move296
Respond
Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
rachalloy
rachel@grandex.co
