A dress and heels: “I’m better than every person here and I want you all to know it.”
This girl is a try-hard in every aspect, except when it comes to her academics. She’ll spend most of class browsing Pinterest, staring at her perfectly manicured nails, and drinking Starbucks (despite the fact that she doesn’t actually like coffee). Her dad probably thinks she’s the coolest thing since the invention of the drive-thru, hence her endless supply of cash to spend on a closet so extensive that the weekends aren’t enough to showcase it all. Understandable, but you’re still like, “Isn’t there a law against wearing a bar-appropriate dress to a lecture hall?”
Riding boots, leggings, and a sweater: “I have somehow managed to cling to my self-respect long enough to make an actual effort.”
She’s pretty down to earth, but then again, you would be, too, if you were a goddamn robot. Seriously, how does a functioning college student have enough energy to wake up each morning and put together an outfit that makes her look like she came straight from a J.Crew photo shoot? There’s no logical explanation for this other than assuming that she gives a shit about her overall presentation, which completely baffles those of us who know how hard it is to nap while wearing riding boots. You’re occasionally jealous of how put together she is, but this feeling fades when you think about how constricting skinny jeans are.
Yoga pants and an athletic top: “I don’t have time for the gym, but this outfit might make people think I work out regularly.”
This bitch woke up knowing that her farthest class is less than a quarter of a mile away, but she still feels the need to sport Lululemon from head to toe. You kind of hate her, because her outfit costs more than the sum total of your textbooks. She’ll tell you she “came from the gym,” but what she actually means is that she “is beyond desperate for fraternal attention.” You know there’s no way that she’ll actually be on a treadmill any time in the near future — after all, she’s wearing eyeshadow and fake nails.
Leggings and a huge sweatshirt: “I have a high GPA, but I can still outdrink you.”
Large sweatshirts were designed with a sorority girl’s hefty appetite in mind, and I think we can all appreciate that. It’s basically like walking around in a sleeping bag, which is useful when you’re sporting a hangover 75 percent of the time. It might add a few pounds to her midsection, but she ignores this, because we all know she’s going to clean up pretty well come bar time. Despite her busy nightlife agenda, she still joins the Asians at the top of every class because she knows how to catnap in between classes and pull off an A using her strong sense of determination (and just a dash of desperation).
Baggy sweatpants and a messy bun: “I just really don’t give a fuck anymore.”
This girl has her head on straight, despite her lowly outward appearance. She studies hard, parties harder, and probably spent last night rolling around with someone on the football team. There was a point in her younger years when she might have spent an hour in front of the mirror before going to class, but college has since beat the shit out of her, and she now fights back with the conviction of a bitchy homeless lady who realizes that you don’t have to look the part to be a sratstar. Nowadays, she constantly looks hungover, but that’s only because she woke up thirty seconds before heading out the door..
Nice Move763
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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