When I was sixteen, I got my boyfriend really expensive concert tickets for Valentine’s Day. His present to me? “The best orgasm ever.” Which was funny…because we’d never had sex before…or done anything for that matter that could result in an orgasm, much less the “best” one of all. Obviously, his “present” to me was really just an elaborate ruse to get me into bed — a ruse, that, unfortunately for him, did not work. Looking back now, though, I commend his effort and also his balls (however blue they may have been), as telling your virginal, sixteen-year-old girlfriend that her Valentine’s Day gift is your own dick is a pretty big power move. Perhaps the funniest part of this whole V-Day fiasco was that he didn’t have a backup plan, not even a card or a box of chocolates. He was so sure that his smooth orgasm talk would get my pants off that he hadn’t even bothered to plan for a “what if” scenario, which meant that after spending all of my babysitting money on his present, I was left with nothing in return (other than attending the concert of a band that I hated). It sucked — for the both of us, really. It was just a shitty, shitty Valentine’s Day.

As I recounted this story earlier in the day to one of our interns, it got me thinking: everyone out there has at least one shitty Valentine’s Day story. So, while you may have had a bad day this past Saturday, it could’ve been worse. You could’ve received one of the presents mentioned below.

Because nothing screams “romance” quite like discounted dying flowers.

Did you respond by high-fiving his head with your fist?

I hope you threw it at him.

This girl knows what’s up. I hope he cried when he looked at his statement.

True life: I once saw an episode of “Snapped” where a woman killed her husband for doing this very same thing. It’s the unsigned card, man. It just makes us want to fucking murder you.

Ah. So close, but yet so, so far.

Are you sure it wasn’t his ex-girlfriend’s?

Who the hell does he think he is saying “it’s not an engagement ring?” You just put that ring on your left hand and tell him to deal with it.

Thanks a lot for the pre-cancer, dickface.

I hope you were “too busy” to give him a blow job ever again.

Did you wear them when you subsequently kneed him in the balls? .

Nice Move370

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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