Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday. The ultimate “my diet starts tomorrow.” Today is a day for sinners — just like you! You’ll party it up and completely gorge yourself, because Lent begins tomorrow, and just like Jesus gave His life for you, you will give up, like, doughnuts or something for Him. It’s basically a fair trade. Except that your Lenten sacrifice is really more about you than it is about J.C. You’re probably giving up one of the following, it’s probably because you’re a bad person, and you’re definitely not going to make it until Easter. Look at you. You’re already bartering. “I can make it! Sundays don’t even count!” Yes they do, you heathen. Yes they do.
1. Anything Related to Food
What It Says About You: I don’t mean that anything anything relating to food means that you’re not a woman of God, but the more broad this is, the less religious it is. Just admit it. You’re seven pounds overweight and your Lenten sacrifice of “no food after 8pm, no sweets, no junk food, no carbs, and no cheese except on salads” has nothing to do with Lent and everything to do with weight loss. At least you’re getting skinny for a good cause and not so you look better when you’re banging that guy on spring break, right? Liar.
Why You’ll Fail: You know, we’ve always been honest with each other — you and I — so let’s call this what it is: A second attempt at your New Year’s resolution and a last-ditch effort to get your beach body. If you couldn’t do it a month and a half ago, what makes you think you’ll be able to do it now?
2. Do a Good Deed Every Day
What It Says About You: Honestly, you’re lazy. But you’ve done a damn good job in life at cutting corners and making people think you’ve got your shit together. You’ve set yourself up with the Lenten sacrifice of yourself. No one can really question you, but it’s not really that hard to be nice to people.
Why You’ll Fail: At the end of the day, who’s determining what really constitutes a “good deed”? You are. You’ll stop by the soup kitchen once or twice at the beginning, donate your Barbie dolls to Goodwill, but eventually, letting someone in front of you in traffic will count as your good deed, and it won’t be long before you forget about all your good-doing altogether.
3. Work Out More
What It Says About You: First of all, what exactly are you sacrificing here? Your lardass body? That doesn’t count. If you want to get rid of it, it doesn’t count. At least the girls who are starving themselves for Jesus are being logical. This doesn’t even make any sense. You’re just a selfish girl who has finally found the “tomorrow” when her diet and fitness routine will really start. Admit it. You haven’t been to church since you gave your first hand job sophomore year of high school.
Why You’ll Fail: If you need to use Jesus as an excuse to get yourself to the gym, just face the facts and admit you’re never going to go. This is not a religious experience. It’s nothing more than a personal goal. You think disappointing God will be a bigger motivator than disappointing yourself, but literally ninety percent of the things you do disappoint God, so you will quickly throw three sheets to the wind and end up on your couch with a bag of Doritos which is frankly where you belong.
4. Something Ironic That You Don’t Already Do
What It Says About You: If you are a virgin giving up sex for Lent, or just some asshole “giving up going to class,” I really don’t even have time to tell you what a disgrace you are to both the church and the comedy industry. This is a tired joke best made by second graders who’ve just been told that they have to give something up now that they’ve made their First Holy Communion. “I’m going to give up homework, Mom!” LOL. Good one. You probably post long, overdramatic Facebook statuses and caption your selfies with inspirational quotes. No one likes you.
Why You’ll Fail: Oh, you thought you got me here! You can’t fail at Lent if you’re giving up something you don’t already indulge in. Hardy har fucking har. While you won’t fail at Lent, you will, however, fail at life. You disgust me.
5. Alcohol
What It Says About You: You like to party. I mean, you really like to party. Like you didn’t think the behavior on “Jersey Shore” was a big deal kind of party girl. You think “drink responsibly” means “don’t spill it,” and proudly boast that you put the fun in functioning alcoholic. Only big drinkers consider giving up alcohol for Lent, because to everyone else, it’s a social activity that doesn’t need to be given up.
Why You’ll Fail: It’ll start out slowly. You’ll tell yourself that you shouldn’t sacrifice the wine at church — the blood of Christ — for, well, Christ. Then you’ll tell yourself that birthdays don’t count, because it would be rude to go to your grandbig’s roommate’s twin’s 21st birthday pregame and not drink. Then, when you finally look at the calendar on day three to figure out how long you have to keep this charade up, you’ll realize spring break occurs over Lent, at which time you’ll say “fuck it,” and abort mission.
6. Swearing
What It Says About You: You make an episode of “The Sopranos” look like a Disney movie. Someone once told you that, and while at first you found it funny, it’s been constantly nagging you that maybe being “unladylike” isn’t something you want to keep up for the rest of your life.
Why You’ll Fail: If you’re swearing enough that you need to give it up for Lent, that means C-words and F-bombs are practically involuntary word vomit for you at this point. Sometimes you swear to enhance a story, but often your foul language-filled rants are a result of you feeling some kind of emotion, and if I know you like I think I do, you can’t control what you do — or say — when you’re angry. Or sad. Or hungry. Or on your period (all of which are bound to happen at least once between now and Easter).
7. Technology
What It Says About You: You are an alien lifeform here to observe our people and report back to your leader once you’ve devised a plan to take over Earth.
Why You’ll Fail: Well mankind once sent a monkey into space so we’re pretty smart too. But mankind has also fucked monkeys, so actually, you probably won’t fail. I volunteer to be a cute, fat housepet for a rich alien family instead of the type of human who is probed or used for testing alien perfume and shampoo on. Thank you.
So, just admit it. This year, you’re not giving up sex for Lent. You’re giving up Lent for sex, because you can’t make it forty days and forty nights without indulging in your vice. Don’t worry. The alien takeover is happening before The Rapture anyway, so you’re fine..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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