By now, you’ve probably watched the Bruce Jenner interview. You learned that Bruce “for all intents and purposes” is a woman, but that he asks we use male pronouns at this time (so we will). He still has his male genitalia, but he is, in fact, transitioning, to someone he calls “Her.” You learned that he began his transition in the ‘80s, but stopped, citing religious reasons. You learned that among his ten children, Khloe is taking it the hardest, which is actually just insane. You learned that Kim has been the most understanding, because of what — wait for it — Kanye told her: I could have the most beautiful wife in the world, and I do. I could have the most beautiful daughter in the world, and I do. But it would mean nothing if I can’t be me. (Paraphrased.) You learned that Bruce is straight (likes women) and very much loved his wives. You learned that he’s been cross-dressing in the privacy of his own home for years. And perhaps, most shockingly, you learned he was a republican.
But, through the very informative Diane Sawyer interview, one question remains: What the fuck is going on with Rob Kardashian?
Let’s look at the evidence.
1. He’s a Kardashian, and he’s managed to stay out of the spotlight.
If we’re going to be completely honest, I can’t remember the last time I went a full week without saying the word “Kardashian.” I’m not even sure I’ve gone a full day without someone from that crew becoming the topic of conversation. They are everywhere. They are plastered on every magazine cover. They basically have their own television network. And they are an absolute favorite of the paparazzi. Just yesterday, this photo of Kendall Jenner made headlines, because she had visible freckles. Literally, seeing Kendall’s freckles was news. And somehow, no one has seen him in months. Fishy.
2. Rob Kardashian’s Birthday
Let’s take a look at how all of the Kardashians honored Rob’s birthday.
Notice a pattern? And I’m not talking about the clover emojis (though, I did spend like fifteen minutes looking up symbolism, only to remember Rob’s birthday is on St. Patrick’s Day). Are there any photos of Rob, ANYWHERE that aren’t 10 years old? Even momager Kris, whose social media pages are shrines to her children only mentions Rob on his birthday, adding no recent photos of him or his sock line.
And then we have this weird photo, posted by Kylie, just the other day.
No one just randomly feels the urge to post a selfie of their brother.
3. Rob’s Twitter
Rob, like his sisters, used to be a pretty avid tweeter. But things eventually got weird. Aside from the recent love for Bruce (#Respect), Rob’s Twitter has been nothing but a series of weird RTs and plugs for random products. The account is borderline spam, and it’s clear he’s not running it on his own.
I see you, Adam Goldston.
4. Rob’s Instagram
There are no photos on Rob Kardashian’s Instagram account, but let’s not forget the strange photo he posted a little under a month ago.
“This is my sister kim , the bitch from Gone Girl,,,”
5. Shutterstock
Perhaps the eeriest thing of all, look what happened when I tried to find an image of Rob on Shutterstock.
It’s as if he never existed.
Well, folks, I think we all know there’s only one possibility here. Rob Kardashian is dead, and with all the Bruce Jenner chatter, everyone forgot to notice. Not me. My eye’s been on Rob, and I’m simply not buying the “I’m too fat to be seen in public,” thing any more. I mean…the evidence is right in front of our faces, people. He’s a KARDASHIAN and he managed to stay out of the public eye. His sisters are only posting old photos of him. Some dude named Adam Goldston is clearly running his Twitter account, and when no one noticed that “Rob” stopped tweeting, he figured he could just use it to RT himself and promote his athletic shoe brand. And then Rob’s ghost came from the great beyond to warn everyone that Kim killed him, in a post that was immediately deleted by Kris’s team of social media hackers.
You can’t argue with logic, people..
Image via admedia / Shutterstock.com
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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