1. Are You My Boyfriend?
Relationships can be hard for college girls. Many, like our protagonist, feel like they’re on an endless quest for love. When our little bird breaks up with her high school boyfriend, sometime mid-October, when all high school relationships end, she finds herself in casual encounter after casual encounter with all types of different guys, constantly wondering if any of them were ever going to actually date her. She finds herself perpetually asking (herself only, because her friends won’t let her send the text), “Are you my boyfriend?” One guy was too big a pussy, another sported dad bod, which she ultimately decided she wasn’t into, and another, while really fun, had a problem with cocaine. Just when she nearly gives up and finds herself drunkenly crying at the bar, someone shows up to save the day. Spoiler: it’s her big, not her boyfriend, because boys suck.
2. The Very Thirsty Frater(pillar)
The Very Thirsty Frater(pillar) is a tale about a baby sorority girl, who receives her bid and experiences a perpetual craving for frat boys. She sleeps with one Sigma Chi during her first week, two during her second, and her number keeps on climbing all the way up to five during her first semester, at which time she starts experimenting with other fraternities. Eventually shame takes over, and she creates a blanket cocoon in her dorm room, and remains there for what seems like ages. When she re-emerges, she’s in for a big surprise! (Just kidding, she still has a reputation.)
3. Where The Wild Parties Are
Maxine arrives at college feeling like she was a seasoned partier, because, like, she totally outdid all of her high school best friends when they drank stolen vodka in someone’s parents’ basement every other weekend senior year. She knew the rules: show up 15 minutes after the parents leave, park really far away from the house, and refill the Grey Goose bottle with water when you drink from it. When she learns about a jungle theme party her first week of college, she sluts up her wolf costume from her performance in Red Riding Hood from like, fifth grade, and enters a whole new world. Upon taking her first pull of Everclear, she meets all sorts of creatures — the drunk crying girl, the guy pissing on his own carpet, and the mystical sixth year senior. Will the creatures devour her, like they normally do to freshman girls? Or might they befriend her on her journey?
4. Charlotte’s Weave
Charlotte is your average plain Jane, about to be cut from every chapter in recruitment, because, well, average doesn’t cut it. Dejected after an unsuccessful first round, she decides to change up her hairstyle, as all sad girls do (usually post-breakup) to signify they are in control of their lives and actively making a change. She debates going blonde, or getting a pixie cut, but none of them feel like they’re the right vibe. And then it occurs to her: extensions. Charlotte returns to recruitment the next day with her long, beautiful extensions, looking like the spawn of a Kardashian mixed with a mermaid. Her hair is deemed to perfect to cut from recruitment, and sororities who dropped her begin offering snap bids, in what is sure to be an interesting new chapter of her life.
5. HPV
A classic college tale for beginners about the dangers of condomless sex. HPV is the all-too-familiar trip to the infirmary, resulting in that phone call that means “something funky is going on with your vagina.” After an awkward talk with their parents, college tots will learn so much about safe sex through this favorite!
6. The Liar, The Bitch, and the Wardrobe
A story of mystery, intrigue, and deception, three sorority sisters sharing a suite at the house find themselves completely amazed when they learn just how impressive the fourth suitemate’s wardrobe is. The begrudgingly agreed to let her use the biggest closet over the summer, before they saw the magnitude of her clothing collection, but continuously find themselves in awe at her ability to pull out the perfect outfit, from formal dress to mixer costume, from just the items she already owns. The three girls find themselves drawn to her closet, and when one of them is caught wearing a crop top without permission, we realize that The Bitch and her wardrobe are not as enchanting as they once seemed.
7. James and the Giant Penis
James lives a sad existence in high school. He’s not very popular, and the girls don’t give him a second look. When he gets to college, however, an older fraternity gentleman gives him a magic potion called Natty Light, and tells him it will take him on many adventures. That night, he downs a ton of the magic potion, and finds himself in bed with a girl who discovers something unseen by female eyes before — James. Is. Hung. She tells everyone she knows about James and his Giant Penis. Posts appear on Yik Yak, and his life is forever changed.
8. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Head Bitch, New Bitch
Another tale for beginners! One Bitch, Two Bitch is a simple rhyming tale that follows a new pledge class of sorority girls as they navigate the sometimes stormy waters of Greek life, and all the people they meet along the way.
9. The Little Engine That Couldn’t Even
After many of the older girls in her sorority refuse the position, this little hot mess express is slated to be the risk management chair. The position is known to be difficult, because everyone in the chapter is drunk, literally all of the time — like, even at the library — so there is undoubtedly going to be some rough terrain and hills to overcome. Throughout the entirety of her holding the position, the girl repeats the mantra “I can’t even.” Then she dies. She’s literally dead.
10. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hangover
From the moment Alexander wakes up, he begins contemplating suicide, because his hangover is just that awful. He realizes that the previous night he vomited on his clothing, and the two girls he was hooking up with found out about each other. He can quite literally feel his brain pushing up against his skull and one of his douchebag frat brothers is just running around screaming at 10 in the morning, because he’s still drunk from the night before. He is out of his favorite Gatorade, and has to drink Powerade (which he hates!), and just realized that his ex-girlfriend from high school changed her Netflix password. From the time he wakes up through the time he goes to bed, he feels like human garbage, swearing repeatedly that he’ll never drink again. In the end, he remembers that with all great nights come bad hangovers, and tomorrow, he’ll be just fine.
11. Green Kegs and Slams
Green Kegs and Slams (which you can actually read here) is the classic tale of a drunk dude trying to coerce a drunk girl into intercourse, through persistent, and seemingly never-ending begging. This guy just won’t take no for an answer — and it rhymes! With hints of rapey undertone, this one has a twist at the end!.
Nice Move615
Respond
Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
vmruckh
veronica@grandex.co
