Guys can be assholes. Girls can be crazy. And sometimes girls are just crazy because guys are assholes. And like your classic chicken or the egg situation, sometimes, it’s hard to tell which one came first. That’s where I come in to put your arguments to rest once and for all, and let you know whether it’s him, or it’s you.
Scenario 1
As I was stalking my boyfriend on Facebook as I normally do 2-20 times a day, I noticed a picture of a hot girl in a bikini. Like, a really hot girl. My heart started pounding as I realize it was under the “Photos (whatever boy’s name) Liked On Instagram.”Naturally that sent me into a fury of liking every topless photo of my male friends on Instagram and subtweeting a classy “I can see who you “like” on Instagram” message. He got the hint. We got in a fight. And I honestly don’t know: am I crazy or does he just suck?
I feel like a lot of girls live in fear of their boyfriends being attracted to other people. I’d love to tell you that you’re a flawless beautiful angel and that your boyfriend’s only has penis eyes for you, but that’s not true. He’s a dude. He doesn’t see a pretty girl and stop thinking she’s pretty just because he loves you. Should he have liked that picture? Probably not. But he’s not a monster for having done so. He wasn’t thinking, and he liked a photo when he saw something that looked good.
Let’s reverse the situation. A hot guy friend that you follow on Instagram posts a photo in a well-tailored suit (the male equivalent to lingerie), perfectly coiffed hair, and an award-winning smile, and you liked it. Because he’s your friend, and he looks good. Does it mean you want to fuck him? No. Does it mean you love your boyfriend any less? No. If your boyfriend made a public scene about it and freaked the fuck out about it, would you say that he was a controlling psychopath? Absolutely. You’re not crazy for being upset at perceived flirtation, but freaking out on social media and having a big fight about it is no bueno.
Verdict: You’re crazy. (Not saying I wouldn’t have done the same thing. But you’re crazy.)
Scenario 2
We were on a bus on the way to his formal. We had been drinking a bit (okay excessively) ahead of time, and from the look on his face I could tell that he was fucked up. As we were giggling and making out on the bus, he turned to be and asked “do I have the biggest dick you’re ever been with?” I stared back at him with shock and confusion. Honestly, he wasn’t. No even close. I didn’t want to make an issue about it so I said something like, “That’s a strange question and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really want to answer that.”Unfortunately that just pissed him off. He kept asking and insisting that I tell him. For the whole rest of the bus ride to the venue (about 30 min) he kept pressuring me and begging me for an answer. Finally as we pulled up to the restaurant, I lied and told him that he was. He finally dropped the topic, and I wiped my tears away, but I couldn’t help but think, “am I crazy or is he?”
That is a really fucking weird thing to ask you. Like what are the chances he’s the biggest? One in fifteen? Kidding, I’m sure you’re very chaste. But the point remains that there is only one biggest, and asking you to do a compare and contrast Venn Diagram of his genitals to everyone else’s is not normal. You were right to feel uncomfortable about that, and while he might not have liked that answer, he should have let it go. Continuing to badger you about it once you already told him you didn’t like what was happening is really just rude and selfish. He ruined the bus ride, there, which is for some reason the best part, just to feel like he’s somehow better than your other boyfriends and make you feel like shit about it in the process.
Verdict: He’s an asshole.
Scenario 3
I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and we really like each other. The relationship is still fairly new, so we probably only see each other once or twice a week at this point. This past Friday night, we went out to the bars together, and in the cab ride home talked about how excited we were for our lazy Saturday morning together. Come Saturday morning, I wake up at 6:30am to the sound of my text messages. It’s a text from the guy who is nowhere in sight.“Hey. I decided to go to the batting cages with my buddy. I’m at his house now. I’ll see you sometime this week.”I fucking lost my mind. I text-bombed him, and cursed him out and was just unapologetically livid. He completely ditched me in HIS house, and when I got mad — furious — at him, he minimized the situation and acted like I was crazy. “Why are you doing this? I went to the fucking batting cages with my friend. Get over it.” He didn’t even wake me up to say goodbye. He just left me there. Am I crazy or is that like, a really fucking shitty thing to do?
Ditching plans of any type is a dick move. Ditching plans while you are still currently participating in the plans is borderline psychopathic. First of all, why the shit does he need to go to the batting cages at such an ungodly hour? More importantly, his action was so beyond inconsiderate that this dude does not deserve your time. At the very least, he could have woken you up and said goodbye, but the truth behind it is, he knew that if he woke you up, you’d tell him he not to go. “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission,” as the saying goes. He knew that. So bailed on you before it was too late, and then turned it around to make you feel like the bad guy for caring. Should you have cursed him out? Probably not. Just kidding. He deserved it. I hope his batting practice was ruined.
Verdict: He’s an asshole.
Scenario 4
There’s this girl that is ALWAYS showing up whenever he and his friends go out. And like, it wouldn’t be a big deal but she’s legitimately slept with half of his chapter and I know for a fact she’s tried to sleep with him since we started dating. And so he’ll be going out for guys night, and I’ll be flipping through snapchat stories to distract myself that he’s out with those degenerates he calls friends, and when I open hers, he’s fucking in it. And it drives me crazy because it’s GUYS NIGHT, not GUYS AND THAT SLUT NIGHT.
This is a tough one. If this girl has actively tried to seduce your boyfriend while you were dating, then she’s legitimately bad news, and you have a right to feel uncomfortable with him hanging out with her. If they’d been studying together, or grabbing lunch or coffee together, or really anything one-on-one, I’d say you had the right to castrate him.* No questions asked. But that’s not the case. He went out that night for a guy’s night, and it is very likely that he truly thought it was just going to be the guys. She showed up, probably because one of the other guys in that crew — her crew of friends/fuck buddies — invited her. What was the guy to do? Be rude to her and demand she leave? Come running home to you because she was there? It’s just not realistic. It’s frustrating that he was in her Snapchat story, but I’d bet he didn’t even realize it was being taken. He’s denied this girl before and even told you that she’d come onto him. I think you need to just trust him. Hate her until you’re blue in the face, but don’t get mad at him for simply existing in the same space as her.
Verdict: A little bit of both.
*Don’t actually castrate your boyfriend. TSM is not responsible for the loss of any penises.
Got a life scenario you need analyzed? Talk to me: veronica@tsmarchivedev.wpengine.com.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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