Once upon a time, there was a planet called Earth, and it was inhabited by tons of creatures, big and small. Some were creepy, crawly things. Some were big and hairy things. Some things swam, and some things flew, and some things walked the land. The most notable creature of all was man — excuse me, human beings. No one is quite sure how the humans got there — some believe that it was divine intervention or intelligent design, while others believe that it was a pattern of randomness culminating in an incredible stroke of luck. But how we got here is not important. There is no question as to why we’re gone.
At the dawn of man — excuse me, human — things were barbaric. There were no rules. Men and women went out into the wilderness naked, until someone got cold and invented clothing. Men hunted food for their families, because they were big, while women cared for the children because they had boobs. No one got too upset about it, or assigned it too much meaning, because it didn’t mean much.
Eventually, someone discovered fire — more than likely, it was a lightning accident — and from there, things started changing. We started making more and more progress, and with it, we became more and more civilized, and with civilization, came more and more rules. The rules, man — excuse me, human — thought, were going to bring us closer to a utopian society. And for awhile, they did. Don’t kill. Don’t rape. Don’t steal. It was all very helpful stuff. Most of the rules were to keep people from harm. Do the right thing, you know.
And then, we took it a step further. Harm can come to us, not just physically, but emotionally. So we thought it best to reduce all emotional harm. There was an anti-bullying campaign, and it was good. And we promoted kindness. And that was good too. And then people got confused. They overgeneralized. They valued feelings over expression. And people became afraid.
Humor was the first to go. Jokes were something in an ancient human civilization where people made fun of things. Making fun of something typically meant taking something that was not fun, and making it fun. It caused laughter. Ask your grandparents about it. The state of comedy was in disarray. There were one too many things that you couldn’t joke about, because it meant something to somebody out there, and if anybody didn’t like it, it was not okay. Public apologies were made for things said in jest, and then people stopped telling jokes altogether.
Next, people stopped sharing their opinions. No two opinions are alike, and sometimes people had opinions that might hurt someone’s feelings. It was, of course, the law that one might be able to express said offensive opinions, but there was a difference between the law and what was socially acceptable — between what was your right, legally, and what was “right,” socially. So people stopped offering dissenting opinions. They went with the majority, for fear of being outcasted should they go against it. To state an unfavorable opinion could not get you thrown in jail, but it could ruin your image, your social standing, and your career. So people always agreed.
Then, things kept on this trajectory. People were being censored more and more, not by the law, but by each other. And man — excuse me, human — was afraid. They were less and less willing to strike up conversations with random people, for fear of differing opinions and the social implications. And eventually, they became less and less willing to even share their opinions with their friends. So they distanced themselves from others. They stayed inside. They took only to the internet to express themselves, in hopes of finding someone who believed what they believed. They had minimal face-to-face social interaction, and eventually actual conversations all but ceased. Nobody talked to each other, and the humans thought this was the solution. If nobody communicated, nobody could be offended. Finally, they thought, we have reached the Utopian society we so desperately yearned for.
But it did more harm than good.
People’s opinions were still put on blast by the media. They were victimized, and they had nobody to talk to, real time. People began to go mad. There were no friendships, only followers. And there was no love, only mutual hate. Some people resisted, and found people outside the walls of their home and their WiFi connection, but many did not. The Earth slowly became less and less populated until only a few men — excuse me, humans — remained.
It was mainly families who coexisted, and they considered cousin-fucking, like it all began, but realized a lot of people might be offended by that, so mankind just died out. And that’s how it all ended. They were killed by “kindness.” Literally..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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