I’ll Make A Man Out Of You — Pledging
If I’ve ever heard a song about pledging, it’s this. Li Shang, one of the hottest Disney characters to ever walk the fictional Earth is given the saddest bunch he’s ever met, and tasked to make man out of them. Throughout, he reminds them how worthless they are. They’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and they haven’t got a clue. You know who else hasn’t got a clue? Pledges. As Li Shang advises, the only way out of this is to heed his every order, and they might survive. You’re welcome, folks.
No Strings — Being Newly Single
Our little Pinnochio starts off like we all do — with his conscience telling him this is a bad idea, but he goes in fully and commits to a life of non-commitment. He just broke up with his high school girlfriend and is going full no strings attached.
To make me fret or make me frown
I had strings, but now I’m free
There are no strings on me
I’ve got no strings, so I have fun
I’m not tied up to anyone
They’ve got strings, but you can see
There are no strings on me
And suddenly all the pretty girls are obsessing over his savoir-faire, twerking up against him, and hoping he’ll love them by the Zuider Zee. Instantly, he’s got tons of prospects willing to bust their strings for him. He’s “happy as can be” because nothing ever worries him. And in the end, even his conscience knows this was the right choice.
Tale As Old As Time — One Night Stand
It’s hard for a lot of people to accept this, but this classic is really just about a good, old-fashioned one-night stand, likely without a condom seeing as they’re both a little scared, and neither one’s prepared. It’s right there in the lyrics: “Barely even friends, then somebody bends,” and by somebody, of course, we mean Belle. What’s comforting here, though, is that it truly is a tale as old as time, or at least as old as college admissions letters. It’s just a little change to your “number” and who you are as a person, small to say the least. Your first one is bittersweet and strange, but soon after, it will be ever just the same.
A Whole New World – Losing Your Virginity
More specifically, a guy trying to convince a girl to give him her virginity. Aladdin starts out asking whether Jasmine trusts him, and too confused to thoroughly think about it, and not wanting to offend him, she decides she does, in fact trust him. He appeals to her emotions, as all charmers do: “Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?” He called me princess. *Swoon.* And suddenly, there are promises of being taken wonder by wonder, over sideways and under. The whole thing is just brimming with sexuality “Don’t you dare close your eyes.” “Hold your breath, it gets better.” And let’s not forget that carpet is blatant innuendo for vagina. All in all, though, I think Jasmine made the right choice. It was an indescribable feeling and she can’t go back to where she used to be. My only fear is that Aladdin describes the whole thing as a thrilling chase.
Or maybe I just wanted to listen to some classic jams. Judge me..
Nice Move335
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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