Ah, the frat rat. “Fraternity” rat, if you will. She is a majestic creature, most commonly found passed out in the formal room clutching an empty handle of green apple Burnett’s and mumbling about how “John is such a douche.” Frat rats might get a bad rep, but they mean well. They’re bros, and the fact that they’ve made themselves at home in a house with copious amounts of men is commendable, if not genius. You might be asking yourself, “Shit, do I qualify?” Fear not, my promiscuous friend. The first step is acceptance, and this guide will help determine if you are, in fact, a frat rat.

1. Any time a sister starts seeing a guy in the house, she immediately comes to you to ask about him.
2. You know all the most comfortable futons to pass out on.
3. You usually get to drink decent alcohol while everyone else is taking pulls of bottom shelf liquor.
4. It’s totally normal for you to walk around the halls in an oversized shacker shirt, and nothing else.
5. No one bats an eye when you tell the pledges what to do.
6. One or two of them might actually be afraid of you.
7. But you mostly feel like a mother figure to the freshmen because they’re all so adorable.
8. You love the fact that the women’s bathroom is always empty.
9. You’re constantly trying to get your sorority to pair with them for events.
10. When the weather gets rough, you head over in an attempt to “accidentally” get snowed in.
11. It’s not weird for you to text a pal and ask what they’re having for lunch.
12. You know far too much about sacred rituals and the inner workings of exec.
13. You get personally offended when you hear someone talk crap on the frat or any of its members.
14. You’ve come to know a lot of the brothers on a, uh, personal level.
15. You get insanely territorial when freshmen bitches walk in to the house like they own the goddamn place.
16. Because you own the goddamn place, and they should know that.
17. You’re constantly surrounded by so many messes that your actual room is starting to look like the aftermath of a category 5 tornado.
18. At least four rooms have a formal cooler painted by yours truly.
19. You’ve witnessed hazing first hand.
20. That shit was fucking terrifying.
21. You spend a lot of time trying to get that one guy who hates your presence in the house to love you, even though he probably never will.
22. You can get a sober ride any time, any place.
23. You know who everyone is dating, and you and all the girlfriends have formed a club.
24. Club activities include judging girls who show up for parties, and gossiping about the guys in the bathroom.
25. You wear the fraternity’s letters more often than you wear your own.
26. You and the house mother are on a first name basis.
27. She probably thinks you’re a good influence on the guys.
28. She’s wrong.
29. Playing matchmaker with the boys and your sorority sisters is one of your favorite activities.
30. You have a large say in the next party theme.
31. Which is cool, because you go all out for themed parties.
32. You’ve ordered pizza to the fraternity house more times than you’ve ordered it to your own house.
33. Because it’s your second home, and you couldn’t imagine college without it.

Nice Move530

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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