1. We’d never scream so much over dead bodies. We scream when we get to take group photos in matching outfits and when “our song” comes on at the party.
2. Nothing could get us to wear heels in the house short of death threats from our recruitment chair.
3. Chanel would have successfully invented and implemented a scheme to make the new, less-than-attractive pledges drop already while coming up with a politically correct reason why they just weren’t a good fit.
4. These pledges are more scared of the killer than the actives which simply could never happen.
5. Chanel would never beg Chad not to sleep with other people. She’d pretend to ignore him, get drunk, and then subtweet early ’00s emo song lyrics at 2 AM.
6. Their outfits are straight from my dream Pinterest closet, but no one’s wearing anything other than leggings, a sports bra, and an XL t-shirt in the house after 6 PM.
7. The same goes for their makeup. There must be a minimum of three hot guys present for smoky eye to be worth it.
8. We literally can’t keep secrets.
9. Pledging doesn’t consist of physical torture like being buried alive or drinking Chanel’s poo water. It consists of presents….and a little bit of psychological torture that (probably) won’t leave permanent scars.
10. Legacies are never that pretty.
11. We don’t wear pink every day. Only on Wednesdays.
12. It’s not that we don’t love frat douches like Chad. We’re just a little more embarrassed that we love them.
13. Where’s the Franzia??
14. There is a 10/10 chance Chanel would NOT have gotten away with bringing Chad up to her room.
15. Also, no one’s room looks like that. Literally no one’s.
16. Boone would be a permanent fixture in the Chanel clique. Everyone knows the only thing sorority girls love more than Diet Coke are their token GBFs.
17. We’re saving anal for marriage.
18. We actually interact with other members of the university outside of our own sorority. I know, shocker.
19. While the crop tops are on point, we wouldn’t be caught wearing pastels in October.
20. A sorority of eight girls would never be able to afford that house. Period.
21. We don’t play Spin the Bottle during sleepovers. Sorry boys.
22. We eat more than just cotton balls. Camp out at the Taco Bell drive thru around 2 AM if you need proof.
23. Most of our dads didn’t invent Swanson frozen dinners. Or Toaster Streudels. And our hair isn’t full of secrets. Wait, what am I watching again?
24. Not only would a freshman never be elected president, but she wouldn’t be allowed. Um, hello….have you heard of bylaws?
25. There’s not quiiiiiiite as much spilling of blood….but from the looks we give each other during little-hunting season, you might not know it..

Image via Variety

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RecruitmentChairTSM

RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com

• @TheRecruitChair