1. Basic Bitches
The only thing this social will achieve in is making your sorority house look like the inside of your on-campus Starbucks. Which is fucking awesome. Pumpkin Spice Burnett’s will be the only liquor at the pregame, and all the attendees will basically try to out-snob each other. The theme would be called “White Girls” if PHA didn’t watch your every move like a starving panther ready to pounce the second you do anything even remotely racy. Which reminds me– It’s best you opt out of a male companion for this shindig, because that bronzed slab of American muscle you’ve been chasing for the past year won’t want to talk to you after he sees you drunk and begging for Chipotle while wearing an outfit made up of solely Lululemon apparel.
2. GDIs
Potential outfit ideas include but are not limited to the following: Crocs, cargos, Sketchers, jeans without pockets on the butt, and anything with rhinestones on it. Bonus points if you hold it during a sunny day, and some people show up holding umbrellas in 85 degree heat like the foreign exchange kids. Anything goes with this party, because for one five-hour span (or however long you can hold down five or more Busch tallboys) you get to be an unaffiliated, non-Greek, 100% free American citizen. You are no longer “always wearing your letters,” because the only letters you own are the ones stored inside the alphabet soup you’ll be sipping the next day in an attempt to rehydrate yourself. The overall goal in this social is to do everything you would do if the Standards chair wasn’t a legitimate position. She basically doesn’t exist for this event. She’s not even invited.
3. Female Fight Club
You grease up, you pull in. Your date doesn’t know, so it’s like, “Surprise! We’re going to fight!” You beat the shit out of him.
4.Black(out) Light
It’s basically your typical neon, glow-in-the-dark throwdown, only everyone is required to show up totally shitcanned. The venue will hold the sloppiest of foods, like nachos and spaghetti, to make sure everyone can see what an unmistakable failure you are after you spill all over yourself. The DJ will only play upbeat, shitty songs, and it is an unspoken rule that you have to engage in at least two drunken heart to hearts by the time the lights come on and everyone on the dance floor sprints away from the ugly motherfuckers they’re grinding on.
5. Guilty Pleasure Characters
One night, get it all out in the open. Everyone come dressed as a favorite character in their most embarrassing guilty pleasure TV show or movie. Dying to reveal your love for Trailer Park Boys? No problem. Scared to let everyone know you still watch the Twilight saga weekly? Don’t be. I’ll be in the corner dressed as my favorite guard from “Russia’s Toughest Prisons,” letting my freak flag fly and giving no fucks. This party will be a humbling experience for you and your sisters, as you will all quickly realize that you are definitely not as hot as previously thought. Be sure to host the party in a far away location, and blackball the chick who shows up dressed as an Anime character. This isn’t ‘Nam, Stacey. There are still some rules.
6. Netflix and Chill
It’s sort of like a party, only no one brings dates and it takes place in the TV room. And the only drinks are Diet Coke. And everyone wears pajamas. And everybody sleeps over. Okay, a sleepover. It’s a sleepover. .
This column was originally published on September 9, 2015.
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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