Breakups are hard. Actually getting over someone is even harder. The only way to do it is to push through the phases and know that when you get to the other side, things will be better. And vodka. Vodka helps too.
Phase 1. Denial
You sit up late at night trying to shake it off like it’s just a rough patch. You can’t accept the reality that he actually could be so cold to you when you were just cuddled up in his warm arms 48 hours ago. So you don’t accept it. You sleep a lot and you do things to get your mind off of him until he texts you that he’s over this breakup phase and he’s so sorry for bringing it up. (Disclaimer: Don’t count on that text actually happening)
Phase 2. “I’m Totally Over Him”
No, you’re not. You choose to play it off to the world (especially him) that you don’t care anymore. You burn his pictures and throw away that necklace he gave you and then pretend like you didn’t cry for hours afterwards. But when this lie starts to crumble, it shatters into pieces. This is typically the phase where we send those painfully truthful drunk texts to him at 2 a.m. telling him how much we miss him. Ouch
Phase 3. Stalking
You’ve always done this lowkey, but now it’s at its peak. I mean honestly, the FBI could hire you for personal profiling because you go that deep. You’re checking every social media site routinely to see if he’s posted anything new or even worse…if someone else has posted something of him. You know where he goes and who he’s with. the only thing you don’t know — is who that girl in all of his fucking pictures is.
Phase 4. Panic
You realize that you have got to find a new boy before he finds a new girl and he wins because he CANNOT win. But you’re not into the whole sloppy hookups thing so this process takes a while and it gets frustrating. Okay, that’s not true. You’re into the sloppy hookups thing. But finding an appropriate sort-of-boyfriend to flaunt in your ex’s face? Not as easy. How are you supposed to submerge yourself in a completely new relationship when your old one has been the only thing you have known for so long? You question every kiss with a new guy, and second guess yourself with every text. Is it too soon? Will I get hurt again? Why do boys like to rip out our hearts and destroy our hopes and dreams?
Phase 5. Relief
After all the girls nights, sappy movies, junk food and high strung hormones — you’ve officially survived. Maybe you haven’t found that new guy yet, but you’ve finally allowed yourself to be free from your ex’s hold over you. Or hey, maybe you moved on after one drunken, crying night at your shitty college bar. Whatever it is, you start to look back on the past few months and realize how much better you deserve and how it’s probably a good thing you got out when you did. When you can finally accept that everything happens for a reason, you understand that your ex-asshole was just holding you back from the hot guy in your Physical Science class. Now go make your move on Dr. Right — he’s been waiting for this day for too long..
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