I am not a sane person and I am not an overly nice person. There’s a reason that whenever a new ‘Psycho Texts You Send Your BFF’ comes out, the majority of the texts are sent by me. I’m completely psychotic. Mixing my psychopathy with my tendency for bitchiness has resulted in my hatred for the vast majority of the population. Sure, some of the reasons I hate people are extremely valid, like the time some cunt friend slept with the guy I called dibs on or when someone hit and ran on my car. Totally normal reasons to hate people. However, because I pride myself on being an honest person, I can admit that a large portion of the reasons I hate people are one hundred percent not valid. So without further ado, I give you a small portion of the list of reasons I probably irrationally hate you:

1. You’re wearing the same shirt as me.
2. You prefer cats to dogs.
3. You hair is consistently frizzy and unkempt.
4. You refer to celebrities you’ve never met as “mom” or “dad.”
5. You can’t admit that girls do, in fact, poop.
6. You still own and occasionally wear a Juicy Couture sweatsuit.
7. You wear crocs.
8. You describe yourself as “classy.” Hint: if you have to say it, odds are that you probably aren’t.
9. You wear a sorority v-neck with a skirt in effort to look “classy.”
10. You tell me that the language I use is inappropriate.
11. You can’t admit to masturbating.
12. You tuck a t-shirt into jeans.
13. You don’t drink wine.
14. You refuse to drink beer because you’re high maintenance AF.
15. You define yourself as a feminist but still think it’s a boy’s job to pay for everything you want, no matter how outlandish.
16. You wear a promise ring and refer to it as a “pre-engagement ring.”
17. You refuse to ever pay for your own drinks.
18. You refuse to wear anything that isn’t designer.
19. You tell people you aren’t spoiled, and probably actually believe that, despite the fact you drive a brand new Jeep.
20. You look like a girl I hated in high school.
21. You don’t appreciate a good dick joke.
22. You idolize celebrities.
23. You’re going to school to find a husband.
24. You talk in a baby voice.
25. You don’t realize that TSM is satire..

Nice Move375

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ChampagneShowers

Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com

• @ChampShowersTSM