I have seen some horror stories on this site but I have one that tops the cake. And unfortunately, it involves my cake and my nickname, “Purple Dick.”
It happened during my freshman year. I had the pleasure of living in the dorms where I had my bed completely lofted. Under my bed, I had my desk and one of the wooden office chairs that came with the lovely jail cell. Because I am lazy and try to find ways to accomplish everyday tasks with minimum required effort, I refused to use the built in ladder to climb in and out of my bed. Who wants an arm workout every time they are trying to get in and out of their sanctuary? No one.
So being the engineer that I am, I decided to use that lovely wooden rocking chair to jump in and out of my bed. One night at approximately 9:00 p.m., it happened. I was crawling out of my bed and onto my chair when I suddenly lost balance. I fell. I fell hard. And what did I land on? The wooden chair, but more importantly, my vagina. Yup, you heard me.
I split the back of the chair. My feet didn’t even touch the ground if you’re catching my drift. If you’re not catching my drift that means my vagina caught the entire weight of my fall on the back of a wooden chair.
Luckily all of my suitemates were in my room and got to witness that event. As they burst out into laughter, I laid on the ground hysterically crying and laughing at the same time. Yes, it was hilarious, but I was currently bleeding like a motherfucker and could feel myself swelling up. They quickly realized I was not okay and laughed in their rooms as to not make me feel worse about my life.
Helpless and afraid, I called my older brother who lived fifteen minutes away from campus to take me to the E.R. I also made my parents, who live an hour away, drive up to help me in my dire state of need. After many tests and probing, I was given Percocet and my diagnosis: I broke my vagina.
Loopy and emotional off of drugs, my parents began driving me home. I decided I was starving and was going to cry until I ate something so my dad pulled into the gas station directly in front of fraternity row (I still haven’t forgiven him) so I could get some Cheeze-Its. While waddling around the gas station, I got a text from my dad saying my shorts were covered in blood. Just great. I instantly burst into tears right in front of some frat guys on a beer run and the cashier. I have not been inside that gas station since that dreaded day.
For a week I wasn’t able to go to class because I couldn’t walk like a semi-normal human being. I also refused to drink anything for fear of peeing. Why was I afraid of peeing? Because where I once had a vagina, I now had a three inch, purple, swollen mass. A mass that resembled the male reproductive organ. Basically, I had a massive purple dick.
I kept this story pretty hush hush for a while for obvious reasons but decided to open up to my sisters about it last semester. I am now known in the chapter as “Purple Dick” (PD in public and on social media as to not draw too much attention) due to my temporary purple penis.
It’s been a few years since the awful incident, and I am now completely healed with only a small amount of permanent bruising. .
Image via Shutterstock
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