- Oh my God, is she getting married?
- When the fuck did that happen?
- Oh right, it was on Facebook.
- She got engaged on Christmas.
- What a loser, we all know a Christmas engagement just means your boyfriend couldn’t think of a good gift to give you.
- That ring was tiny, too.
- I guess that’s what happens when you get engaged to your college boyfriend, four months away from graduation.
- I wonder if she’ll ask me to be a bridesmaid.
- Oh, wait, I totally threw up in her car sophomore year.
- At least once a week.
- I definitely ruined the leather.
- Oh, well, not my problem.
- Maybe her new husband can pay for those seats to be cleaned.
- Oh, the theme is country chic?
- How quaint.
- And it’s at his uncle’s farm?
- Adorable.
- I bet she’s pinned, like, a thousand things to craft on Pinterest.
- I should check her Wedding Board.
- Oh yeah, this “country chic” theme is not what she wanted.
- Wow, she’s pinned a lot of really beautiful dresses.
- Maybe she should let those dreams die.
- After all, a backless ballgown with a sweetheart neckline and seven foot train might be a little much for the farm, don’t you think?
- She wants a seven-tier wedding cake?
- Not on the budget they’re working with.
- Why would she marry someone who didn’t even have a job yet?
- Why would she get married before she even has a job?
- Why would you even get married now?
- If I had a boyfriend and he asked to marry me, I’d say no.
- Unless he was like, Channing Tatum.
- Or a Kennedy.
- Or just super wealthy.
- But those are extenuating circumstances!
- I would not marry a run-of-the-mill frat bro.
- I just want to fuck them.
- Oh shit, am I gonna have to bring a date to this?
- Holy shit, is everyone bringing dates?
- Fuck me.
- Is this like a date party?
- I once asked a guy to formal by writing on my tits.
- But this a little bit classier than formal.
- I mean, it’s in a barn, so not that much classier.
- But still.
- How bad would it be if I didn’t bring a date?
- Weddings are great places to meet someone.
- Except I think all the single guys invited are either going to be his fraternity brothers. Or like, their weird cousins.
- And I do not want to marry into this country-chic-cowboy-boots-to-a-wedding-wearing family.
- Plus, I’ve slept with most his brothers.
- Oh my God, did I sleep with the groom?
- No.
- Wait.
- No, I didn’t.
- We did make out once freshman year though.
- I wonder if she knows that.
- I wonder if inviting me is actually just a huge ploy to remind me that I’m single and even the gross guys I made out with when I was freshman have found love?
- Oh my God.
- Whatever, an open bar is an open bar..
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