A few weeks ago, I wrote a little ditty about ~dirty talk~. It was a sarcastic little column poking light fun at the things guys say to us in bed and how we (may or may not) feel about them. To be honest, most of them actually do make my skin crawl, but of course, different genital strokes for different folks, ya know? Still, as always, some people (read: mostly guys) didn’t quite get the joke. At the end, I had people asking what guys *were* allowed to say in the sack. The not bullshit answer is that I don’t know — it truly depends on the person. The more vague, generic answer is, well, not a whole lot.
Still, I took it upon myself to do some soul searching. I mediated. I went on a juice cleanse (okay, I drank some juice), and I really got to the heart of the issue. And now? I’m back, with a list full of sexy, seductive, tantalizing things guys can, and should, say during sex to make our knees weak and our orgasms ever-flowing.
Speak now and thank me later.
- “I’m thinking of settling down within the next year or two.”
Oh baby, the faster the better. - “Your chin looks so skinny.”
Even from that horrible angle where you’re looking up at it while I flop around on top of you like a beached whale? Oh shucks. - “You think that’s big? Wait until you see my stock portfolio.”
I’m not even sure what this means, but it sounds like big, hard, throbbing money. - “I like girls with relationship baggage.”
Just wait until I tell you about my ex-boyfriend. - “Can I got down on you and then not expect anything in return?”
I wouldn’t want it any other way. - “You can pick what we watch on Netflix.”
I won’t need any buffering time with you, Casanova. - “I think leg stubble is hot AF.”
Funny, I never think to shave until it’s wayyy too late. #MeantToBe - “My phone malfunctioned and deleted every girls’ contact information.”
It’s like your phone knows me better than I know myself. - “My ex moved to Asia and has taken a vow of silence and given up Instagram.
Tell me more, tell me more. Like does she not have Snapchat? - “It’s not so much that I hate sports, it’s just that I like you more.”
Goodbye football season, hello antiquing. - “Would it be cool if I get your ring size? Your hands just look so dainty, I can’t tell what size you are!”
Be still, my unmarried heart. - *Magically turns into John Krasinski*
We can sarcastically talk about beets, bears, and “Battlestartar Galactica” forever. - “I brought us some pizza. And ranch.”
The best type of pizza is post-sex pizza. - “Can we just lay here, and I can tell you how much better you are than every other girl in the world?”
I thought you’d never ask. - Want me to do whatever it is in that “Fifty Shades of Grey” book that made you convulse like you were having an exorcism?
You mean, turn into a less socially chastised Christian Grey and make me orgasm every time in mere minutes by just flicking me with a feather or whatever? Yes. Yes please. - “I would love to hear more about that reality show you’re obsessed with.”
The one you hate and say is slowly rotting my brain and turning me into a horrible person? You don’t have to ask me twice. - Instead of buying you a present you’ll hate, how about we online shop for three hours while you add an absurd amount of stuff to your cart before giving up and just getting a Target gift card?
It’s like you can see inside my soul. - “I’m not that into blow jobs.”
I uh…I love you?
Ugh. Don’t you just love it when they talk dirty?.
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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