Being a girlfriend is hard work. I don’t care what the romantic comedies say. Once the girl gets the guy and the credits roll, there is a whole bunch of other shit that they have to work out. Who’s going to cook dinner tonight? How often will you hang out? Will he stick around when you get wine drunk and simultaneously cry over the fact that your first boyfriend cheated on you with some slut from the choir and that your childhood dog died two years ago but you’re still pretty sad about it? Who knows. But if you picked a good one, he just might hang around for awhile.
Still, while you might think it’s all sunshine and cunnilingus there actually are a lot of other hurdles, the worst of which being the irrational hatred. A girlfriend speciality, there are a few things we just can. not. stand. It doesn’t matter that it’s irrational. It doesn’t matter that it might make us seem crazy. It doesn’t matter that it makes no sense. If you’re in a relationship 10/10 you have cried thanks to all of these things.
1. When He Leaves You To Hangout With Friends
You say it’s “totally fine.” You know that it’s good for him to have friends. Hell, you could even go for a girls night or just some time alone so you can finally bleach your asshole or whatever. But as soon as he says “I think I’m going to hang out with ________ tonight,” you instantly see red. It’s not so much that you don’t want him to do that. It’s just that like, what’s wrong with you? What’s so great about him? Are you invited? Probably not. So you’ll just sit here. Alone. By yourself. It’s fine, really.
2. When He Has Fun Without You
Going hand in hand with him hanging out with friends — nothing is more infuriating than him having fun without you. Why? I can’t say. Maybe because you want to be the only source of joy in his life. Maybe because you’re a heartless bitch. Whatever it is, the second you click on his Snapstory and see him laughing with his “boys” you instantly send him a passive aggressive text and stalk your ex on Facebook and wonder why you even dumped him (it’s because he was a mouth breather and always hit on your friends, but whatever).
3. When He Doesn’t Pay Enough Attention To You
SERIOUSLY I’M RIGHT HERE. LOVE ME OR KISS ME OR SWEAR YOUR UNWAVERING DEVOTION TO ME OR SOMETHING. GOD.
4. When He Looks At You Weirdly
Maybe he’s just staring at your beauty. Maybe he’s just spacing out. Whatever it is, it’s weird and it makes you uncomfortable. Sure, you said you like attention, but not when he’s making that dumb face. Besides, what is he thinking? What is he trying to tell you? WHAT DOES HE WANT?
5. When He’s In A Location Where Other Girls Are
It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar, a volunteer program, or a family gathering — if girls are there, and you are not, you’ll make it your personal mission to make him wish that you were. And if you happen to look up the event’s hashtag on all social media and look at every picture posted and try to find him and see if he interacted with said females, well then, so be it.
6. When He Randomly Compliments You
It’s what we say we all want. “A guy to say we’re beautiful, even when we look like literal garbage cans.” But the thing is, the moment you get a random “I love you” text or he says you’re beautiful out of nowhere, you can only think one thing: what the hell did this fucker do?
7. When He Doesn’t Compliment You
Maybe you’re wearing a new dress. Maybe you haven’t shaved in years and you just need a mother effing compliment. It doesn’t matter the situation. If in your mind he should say something nice about you at that exact moment, and he doesn’t, all hell will actually break loose. Or you’ll just silently hate him and bottle it up until he accidentally brushes against you at an event a few months later and spills your wine and you then you explode while in public and cry about how he takes you for granted. Either way.
8. When He Follows Other Girls On Social Media
It could be his friend from elementary school, his roommate’s girlfriend, or his cousin. Following a girl on social media is annoying. Liking her picture is illegal.
9. When He Wants To Do His Own Thing
It’s healthy for people to have their own lives and their own hobbies and blah blah blah, you know. But when he decides to lounge at home alone, play video games, or stare mindlessly at his phone while simultaneously ignoring you can’t help but plot his untimely death or his future of no blowjobs.
10. When He Doesn’t Want To Do What You Want To Do
How he doesn’t want to stay in and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives is beyond you. You understand he’s a human person and not your pet and is therefore not obligated to do whatever you want — but really? Isn’t that sort of the point of a relationship? Doing shit you don’t want to do because the other person will get happiness out of your pain? What’s he playing at?
11. When You Aren’t The Cutest Couple
Another couple had a better costume. Your couple friends just came back from a ~gorgous~ trip where they took lots of kissing sunset beach pictures. You’re not the ones laughing and making out in the corner at a party. If you’re not the best couple there, what was the point in even showing up?
12. When He’s Teasing You
Sometimes it’s cute and charming. Most of the time it makes you want to swear off penis forever and stock up on AA batteries and vibrators.
13. When He Ruined The Picture Where You Looked Cute
He was trying to be funny. He sneezed at the wrong moment. It’s just something about his face in pictures. No matter what happened, you’re left with an un-Instagramable picture of you looking cute and your boyfriend looking like a charity case. And yes, you’ll hold those 100 likes you never got against him.
14. When He Doesn’t Do What You Told Him He Didn’t have To Do Even Though You Totally Want Him To Do It
Yes. You said he didn’t need to go to your parent’s house for dinner, be at that sorority event, or take a trip to oral town. And yes. He even double and tripled checked to make sure you really meant that he didn’t have to. But that doesn’t mean he actually didn’t have to. It’s like he’s never seen a single episode of Gossip Girl.
At least we’re cute, right?.
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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