Boys can be many things. Some make amazing best friends; some are meant to be wifed up; and some are complete dipshits. Plenty of guys are hard to read which will inevitably lead to you falling for a guy who’s the exact opposite of what you need in your short life. When we are blindsided by a guy because of his charm and good looks, we can’t recognize immediate signs that he is a man you should have avoided from the start.
1. The Social Media Celebrity
Unless he is Zac Efron, there is absolutely no reason for a guy to have 20K followers on Instagram or Twitter. He has to be a heart-stopping hottie with perfectly sculpted abs who has one hell of a spectacular personality that he shows off via Twitter and also just happens to be the face of some relevant company in order for this to even somewhat make sense. If he’s just your basic wannabe campus celebrity, stay away. He is much more concerned with his popularity status than satisfying you. This dude will always put hashtags with his school’s name or slogan and never misses a #tbt. Even if you think the two of you are in the talking phase, he still throws lines out to chicks on Tinder such as, “Hey there pretty lady.” He doesn’t want to seem creepy, but he does want to be just the right amount of flirty to intrigue a girl enough to make her want to cyber stalk him. Of course, once he gains a new follower because of his persistent DMs, he slowly quits showing interest and moves on to his next victim.
You can bet your ass he has his Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat usernames in every social media bio possible. This man is all about texting. He will make plans with you to go somewhere that sounds like a dream date, but cancel last minute. Don’t even bother meeting up with him at a bar because the only time he will look up from his phone will be to order a Coors Light. His personality is transparent in real life. The only time he knows what to say is when he’s posting something on social media.
2. Man-Child With A Credit Card
As this fellow buys you every drink your heart desires, you can safely assume his creepy smirk signifies that he’s only imagining your clothes falling off to his dirty floor by the end of the night. He’s the kind of guy who was praised as a child by mommy and daddy. He got literally everything he ever wanted from his parents and now expects the same from any chick who walks past him. There’s absolutely no fucking way he will graduate in four years if he graduates at all. This boy doesn’t worry about his future because his parents will be the ones to call in favors from people to land him his first job when the time comes. He can’t take care of himself, so how can he possibly ever take care of you? It’s not likely he will grow up anytime soon. Blow jobs, shots, and attending ridiculously expensive events are his only concerns. He’s one of the most selfish guys you will ever come across and is definitely not worth your time.
3. Flirty Male Friend With A New Girlfriend
This dude is probably the worst guy to stick around. Before he was in a relationship, the heat between the two of you was on a junior high school level. Now that you’re off limits, the scumbag winks at you more and makes his comments to you just a tad more sexual. He wants what he can’t have. It’s natural for you to want to flirt with him since you use to do it so much. But as soon as you quit giving into him, he kicks up his flirting game a notch. You have to deny the drinks he gets you, which is downright painful, but you don’t want him to think you’re willing to be the other woman. People aren’t suspicious because everybody has known the two of you to be just friends, which makes him even harder to shake off. However, his girlfriend can sense what’s up. She probably hates you, which is totally unfair since you have been trying to control yourself around him. The solution to not sounding like a complete psycho when trying to convince people he’s still hitting on you? Ditch him altogether until he gets his shit together.
4. The Troubled Soul
I swear, these guys have no idea what comedy is. Granted, he probably dealt with a lot of personal issues when he was younger, but he never quite moved on from whatever tragedy damaged his life. He’s not very interested in physical activity, unless it involves handcuffs in bed. These men creep into a girl’s heart by showing their sensitive side and persuading girls into thinking they are more mature than they actually are. Once a girl is hooked, he has no sympathy for her and doesn’t care how much of a douchebag he is. He expects her to pity him, which in his mind, means he can treat her however he wants. This guy is quiet and mysterious in public. But once you get in too deep, he will bellow at you for things such as not ironing his laundry immediately after it comes out of the dryer. He’s a total control freak. To him, a night out means drowning his sorrows in Jack Daniels. In fact, it doesn’t even matter what time it is, as long as he can get his hands on a bottle this man is down for binge drinking, but just not for fun reasons. His depressing attitude towards life will likely rub off on you within time.
5. Classic Booty Caller
Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by boys who call you every weekend night around 2 a.m. We all know a guy who pulls this shit. This dude has been drinking with his boys all day and far into the night, so naturally he’s hammered. However, he’s not trashed enough to give up on his quest to bone anyone with a vagina. His game is pretty weak at the bar, so he whips his phone out of his pocket and begins scrolling through his contacts. As you’re getting into your bed (or someone else’s), your phone rings.
“You up?”
Ugh. You know he isn’t looking for anything more than to touch your genitals. He’s not your friend and never has been. You probably made out with him or even smashed at least once. From that unfortunate moment on you can’t get him to unlatch from you. Sometimes you consider having the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech to get rid of him, but the problem actually is him. He is only a sweet-talker when he’s trying to get in your pants. His appearance is usually a 7 on a scale from 1 to 10. He’s cute enough to have bitches fall into his trap when they are drunk enough and easy to convince, but he’s not hot enough to naturally have chicks throwing themselves at him. It takes some work and a few tries to get a chick in his bed. He’s a major nuisance and an unavoidable accessary to every girl’s college experience. Pro tip: next time you see him, say you changed your phone number, last name, and university. Unless you’re into hooking up with him, in which case you should prepare for the nonstop phone calls..
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Kellie Stritz
Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.
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