Columns

A Breakdown Of Week 3 Of “The Bachelorette” Based Solely On Tweets

Breakdown

Well, you guys, it was another busy week on The Bachelorette, I presume, based exclusively on your tweets. I don’t watch the show, but once again, I honestly believe I know absolutely everything that went down because of everything I saw on Twitter. I’ll give you a rundown.

Chase And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Yoga Date

I know there is a link in the following tweets, but I swear I didn’t click it. I just saw the title, and I figured that counts. It is very clear to see that Chase, for some fucking reason, took JoJo on a date this actually my living nightmare: working out. They did some yoga together, and guess what: it was awkward! Because working out with someone you’re trying to impress is awkward. Also, because the instructor said the word “angergasm.” Despite their date being painful to watch, Chase still ended up doing pretty well with JoJo, and with all of you.

James Taylor Is A Character From A Nicholas Sparks Novel

James Taylor is Twitter’s sweetheart right now, but I’m going to be very honest with you when I say that he makes me want to gag. It’s too much. He took JoJo dancing, which was nice, but then turned it into some type of competition or routine with old people? Or maybe there were just old people around because this entire date was straight out of the 1950s. Especially with the cheesy fake newspaper ad that JT created to let the world know he had a one-on-one date with JoJo. He also played her a song…again(?) and you all fell for it. But just because I am uncomfortable with gestures that seem like they exist solely to make it seem like you’re in a romance movie (or a faux romance reality television show…because they are), doesn’t mean JoJo was phased.

Everybody Worked Out

It was really hard for me to figure out whether or not there was a trial by combat style race to JoJo’s heart, where they all competed for her physically, or they all just worked out because Chad was working out, and they didn’t want to be outdone. I’m going with the latter, though.

JoJo Was Still A Kiss Queen

From what I hear, this is actually pretty progressive for this show. The girls are supposed to be timid and chaste, but JoJo’s out here kissing boys, because that’s what happens in real life when you date people. Confirmed kisses for James Taylor, Evan who refers to himself as “Daddy” (but it’s okay! He’s bragging about his sexual conquests to his children!), and definitely not to Chad, who tried to get big and lay one on JJ in front of all his haters. But, uhh, access denied.

There Was A 12-Man Group Date

Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, twelve men and one woman was called a gang bang — now it’s called entertaining family television! In any case, there was a date between all the guys and JoJo, during which they talked about sex until they got uncomfortable, and then picked on Chad, because he’s the hottest and cockiest, and they hate him. And I think because all of you hate him too, so #ratings.

The Producers Considered Renaming It “The Chad Show”

I’m going to be entirely honest with you guys, if I didn’t know the “star” of this show was JoJo, I’d think it was Chad. He’s all you guys can talk about. You say you hate him, but you just can’t keep his name out of your mouths. But to be fair, a lot went down.

He was still a “jerk.”
He’s what you guys are all calling a jerk, anyway, because he’s not befriending all the people who hate him, and he’s not sucking JoJo’s dick. He says she hasn’t earned….his love?… yet. I think he’s just keeping it real.

He was compared to Hitler
But in a funny way. His former Canadian BFF Daniel doesn’t want to hang out with him any more, because it’s like hanging out with Hitler, and it makes him look bad.

He Got Into A Huge Fight With Like, Everyone
As it seems, Chad is a natural asshole (hot) who doesn’t GAF about the rest of the guys, and they’re all like “Waaahhhh, Chaaaad, just play niiiiiice.” And he’s like “You’re all a bunch of pussies pretending like this is real, so no.” And then they got obsessed with hating him which only ~builds tension.~ Evan, the dick doctor, is particularly obsessed with him (maybe you’re #HereForTheWrongReasons, E-Money. Work with dicks and more obsessed with a dude than JoJo? Noted).

And so, a big fight went down. And hate him as you might, not a single person tweeted anything about Chad starting it, physically, at least. Evan shoved Chad. Chad clocked Evan, who ended up getting to play the victim because Chad is bigger, and stronger, and not on steroids, because he couldn’t have gotten them into the show even if he wanted to. SO THERE.

Evan Was A Little Bitch

After his throwdown with Chad, Evan tattled on him to Chris Harrison, who literally could not give a fuck less, because he’s too busy wishing he was Ryan Seacrest. And then he gave JoJo an ultimatum: “It’s either me or Chad.” Yeah, obviously, fucktard. She’s not going to end up with both of you in the end anyway. More accurately, “it’s either me, or him, or one of the other ten guys here, because you are dating 12 guys right now, and this show is unrealistic.” She still gave Evan a rose, though, which I don’t think necessarily means Chad is out, but it may. Three episodes and a fight is probably all the producers can handle while maintaining the “reality” here.

Chad Ate A Potato

A sweet potato, actually. Raw. Like an apple. A single piece of lettuce as well.

As always, let me know how I did in the comments section below. To read last week’s Twitter recap click here.

Nice Move921
Respond

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More