What are most girls looking for in a guy? The typical answers are someone who makes them laugh, someone strong but sensitive, and someone who doesn’t mind taking solo shots of them for the ‘gram. But I’ve noticed a lot of girls leave out something really important — the size of his penis.
Yeah, having a guy who knows how to cook and can also hold his liquor is important, but what he’s packing downstairs is arguably even more important. Don’t believe me? Well, you’ve probably never been with a guy who has a micropenis, and for that you need to count your lucky stars. You don’t realize how important it is until you’re face-to-face with a gherkin-sized penis and suddenly you don’t care that he’s pre-med and has a beach house an hour away. Penis size is a major key to any relationship, whether you like to admit it or not. I don’t make the rules, I just exploit them for my own (and also hopefully your) enjoyment.
We all differ in what exactly we like to see down there. Some girls unzip his pants and are giddy when they see a massive hog. Other girls panic when they see such a massive member, in fear of what it will do them. What you like to see when you finally unwrap his sausage says a lot about who you are as a person.
Cut
Ahh, circumcision. It’s a debate that has raged on for centuries, but for the most part, Americans are firmly in the “yes” camp. Girls who like their men circumcised probably bleed red, white and blue. They turn up their noses at food that isn’t pizza and chicken tenders. Some girls who prefer a crew neck to a turtleneck have seen an uncircumcised penis and were so thrown off by it that they swore, never again. Other girls have never seen one at all and live in fear of it, but overall I’m pretty sure most girls prefer an uncut dick. It’s cleaner, I think.
Uncut
Uncircumcised guys are definitely in the minority (at least in this country), so a girl who sees an uncut guy and thinks, “huh, that’s different. I like it,” probably has a taste for the exotic. If you like this kind of peen, you probably aren’t afraid to try new and/or strange foods, like elk or shark fin. You’ve probably already been overseas a few times and if you haven’t, you have plans of studying abroad and immersing yourself in the culture. You’re a cultured bitch who thrives on the new and different. You’ll probably marry someone from a different country because you’ve always wanted your kids to have dual citizenship. Oh, and your Instagram game is also straight fire due to all your travels. Save some likes for the rest of us, why don’t you.
Big
Finally, we’re getting to the good stuff: size. Girls who like big dicks have big personalities. They’re probably not afraid to tell you that they like big dicks, and it’s probably one of the first things they mention when they give the low down on their sex life at the moment. Some girls don’t like to kiss and tell. Girls who like big dicks are not one of those girls. They kiss and tell everyone, especially after they’ve wrangled a real monster cock. They talk about it the same way guys talk about sports — they give you the entire play-by-play, analyzing every graphic detail using hand motions and even props sometimes. Girls who like big dicks know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it.
On the other hand, girls who like big dicks also have unrealistic expectations. They’re the girls who haven’t given up their dream of being a famous singer (or actress, either one) even though they haven’t sung in front of a crowd since high school choir. They have big dreams and they like big dicks. Big dicks, like making it big time, are kind of a rarity, which is why they’re on one end of the dick spectrum. The average dick is, well, average. They’re disappointed easily, but they know better than to settle. They’re constantly in search of the next big dick, like a hunter on the hunt for her prey.
Small
Let me get one thing straight. No one actually likes a small penis. That would be like being given the option between a free pair of gorgeous heels and gorgeous boots, and saying “you know what? I’d rather have crocs.” It just doesn’t happen.
This category is really just “girls who don’t care about something stupid like penis size.” These girls don’t judge a man by his penis, they judge him by his character, and while that’s admirable, it’s also dangerous. These girls will settle for less than they deserve. Every girl deserves a great man with a great penis, and he’s out there — you just have to find him. Don’t be this girl. Don’t settle for a small penis. You’re better than that, girl.
Average
Girls who like average penises have had big ones and small ones but their perfect penis is something right in the middle. The goldilocks of penises, if you will. They’re not going to settle for anything too small, but they know the difficulties of being with someone too big. They don’t need a massive peen — they know it’s more trouble than it’s worth.
These girls are realists. They’re just as happy staying in on a Friday night as they are hitting the bars. They’re the perfect balance between being too bitchy and too sweet. Girls who like average peen are average themselves, and in this case, and in the case of penises, average is sometimes better.
As much fun as it is to rank penises, we all know the best penis is the one with a great guy attached to it. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).
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