It’s summer. It’s hot. You’re hot. And the guy you’ve been creeping on is hot. Don’t know how to get him in your swimsuit? Here are some lines that you need to keep in mind this summer. Sure they’re a little vulgar, but from the extensive research I’ve done (read: two minutes of a hardcore porn before projectile vomiting and burning my computer) I’m confident that these will make him fall head over heels for you. Or at least your vagina. Same thing, right?

1. I like umbrellas in my drink and you in my pink.
2. Wanna play Pokemon Go? I’ll be Squirtle.
3. Let’s visit the lake and you can show me your snake.
4. A dolphin isn’t the only thing I want to ride.
5. I might not be a swimming pool, but I have something else that’s wet that you can dive into.
6. Are you a pirate? Because I’m eager to meet your seamen.
7. I find your lack of nudity disturbing.
8. I love exploring places. Examples: Spain, France, your pants.
9. If you thought Disneyland was the happiest place on Earth, you haven’t been between my legs yet.
10. Would you rather melt in my mouth or in my hand?
11. I haven’t swallowed any salt water yet, but I’d swallow you right now.
12. This roller coaster goes up and down, a lot like I will on you tonight.
13. Roses are red, violets are fine. If I be your six, will you be my nine?
14. Netflix can be very educational. I just watched a documentary about Trojans. I have the best kind in my purse and would love to teach you.
15. There are no seats left. Can I sit on your face?
16. I have four words for you: Hol I Day Inn.
17. Sunscreen isn’t the only thing white and creamy I see squirting on me in the near future.
18. Do you know what would go good on your hot dog? Mayo.
19. The tigers at the zoo really inspired me to pounce on you.
20. That swimsuit looks very nice on you. Then again, I would too.
21. I’ve never been to Italy, so I guess I’ll have to Rome around your body instead.
22. I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
23. Jet skis and I have a lot in common. If you ride me I promise to go fast.
24. Happy hour is over, but it’s still going strong at my place.
25. I’ll open my jaws wide for you to prove I’m not scared of the movie.
26. What kind of Uber are you — long or short rides?
27. You can call me a popsicle because I know you want to lick me.
28. You are on my list of things to do this summer.
29. If we are what we eat, then you should be me by tomorrow.
30. This heat is making me thirsty. Can I slurp you?
31. It’s blistering hot. We should probably take each other’s clothes off.
32. If you need a towel I can wrap around you like one.
33. Are we at a water park? I feel kind of wet.
34. I want sex on the beach, and I’m not talking about the drink.
35. Let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
36. Do you like whales? Because we can go hump back at my place.
37. Are you an Australian lifeguard? Because I need CPR down under.

It’s 50/50 either he’ll fall in love with you or file a restraining order. But hey, I’ll take those odds..

Nice Move857

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Kellie Stritz

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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• @kelliemariestritz
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