After what seemed like eons of being ravenously hungry and slightly grumpy, it occurred to me that I might be due for a period. I flipped through my planner in a frantic search for the last red dot. Five weeks ago. Thirty-five days.
I opened the text thread I’d had going with my flavor of the week and stared at the unanswered text I’d sent three days prior.
Fuck, I thought. I really hope I’m not pregnant right now. I can’t imagine anything worse than having to double text this dude. Besides maybe a baby.
Thirty-six days.
I generally make it a rule not to panic about these things unless I go seven weeks between periods — which I never have. I’d been using protection and I always had a pretty long cycle. Five weeks wasn’t outside the realm of normal for me, but because I was actually being penetrated this time, I wouldn’t say I was nervous, but I was aware of it.
Thirty-seven days.
Plus, I feel like I would know if I was pregnant. I know that sounds weird. But three separate psychics told me I should learn how to do readings because I have ~a gift.~ And frankly, I’ve always been pretty intuitive. I just think I would have some kind of sixth sense about a pregnancy.
Thirty-eight days.
Okay, I really don’t think I’m pregnant. It hasn’t even been six weeks yet, and I’ve gone six weeks between periods tons of times. I’ve literally never had a 28-day cycle. This is still a NORMAL range for me right now. And God, I do not want to have to text this guy and tell him. He’ll think I’m lying to get his attention and I’ll be forever branded as a psycho.
Thirty-nine days.
Fuck. I refuse to tell him I *might* be pregnant. This is stupid. I’m not pregnant. Probably. Maybe I should buy a test.
Forty days.
Finally. There it is. Just slightly behind schedule. Good grief, I’m glad I didn’t do anything rash.
This is what I’d like to call a pregnancy “scare” well-handled. And do you know why? Because I didn’t treat it like a scare at all. I didn’t freak out. I looked at the facts (which were that I have a long cycle, I used condoms and pulled out, making it pretty fucking hard to conceive a baby). And I didn’t under any circumstances tell the guy before he needed to know. Because telling a guy prematurely that you’re late? That’s what fucking psychos do.
Here is how you should accurately time it.
If He’s Your Boyfriend
Before anything, you need to ask yourself, and I mean really ask yourself, whether or not you actually think you’re pregnant or if you’re just being dramatic. What’s your normal cycle like? Twenty-eight days exactly, or do you generally have a little wiggle room. Are you on birth control? Did you take an antibiotic that might knock that out? Did you forget to take it at all? Or did you do everything right.
If you look at the honest facts, you’ll probably be able to answer your own question. You’re probably just a couple days late, because your body is not an exact science. But if you have actual reason to take pause, it’s appropriate to tell your boyfriend if you’re actually worried. You can present him with the facts, and decide together whether you should take a test. He is a man, and while normally he’s the logical one, he will go into a frenzy, black out for three hours, and offer to pay for the test. It’s not a bad idea to ask for other presents during this time. He will likely agree to anything you want. You two will then suffer together until you read “negative,” then go out for a celebratory “We’re not parents!” dinner. Fun!
A One-Night Stand
Ready to get real? Because it’s about to get real. You don’t tell a one-night stand about a potential pregnancy until you decide what you want to do about it. That means you took a test, you are pregnant, and you’ve had time to mull it over and figure out how this will or will not affect the rest of your life. This is controversial, perhaps, but it is your body and your decision, whether you want to carry a pregnancy to term, or keep the baby, or give it up for adoption. Unfortunately, if you don’t know this guy, you don’t know how he’ll react to a pregnancy, and you need to do what’s right for you without his opinions getting in the way, because you’re going to be the one who has the larger burden here. That’s still how the world is at this time. Definitely don’t call him before you took a test. He’s not exactly going to be the best support system when you’re freaking out on your way to CVS to buy a First Response kit if you had to find him through a friend of a friend on Facebook to let him know what was up.
A Friend With Benefits
This is important, but you really need to evaluate your relationship here before you make any moves. Are you more friends or more benefits? Be honest with yourself, because you will need to proceed very differently for each situation.
Personally, I wouldn’t tell a friend with bennies ever, but if you’re for realsies good friends, you can tell him if you feel like he’d be a good support system for you, but ONLY once you are 100% positive that you are actually freaking out about this. That means: you know you had careless sex, whether that be condomless, broken condom, no birth control, irresponsible birth control use, or the like. You’re several days late. And you’ve pretty much already made the decision to take a test. If you’re not ready to take the test, you’re not ready to tell him, because if you’re not ready to take the test, then you don’t actually think you might be pregnant. Once you’re ready to make moves, you’re welcome to call your friend up, and invite him over for three-to-five minutes of agonizing if you’d like. But if there’s no test, you’re probably just telling him for attention.
A Consistent Hookup
Blah, blah, blah, feminism. If I have to suffer, he should too. NO. Bullshit. You do not tell a guy who’s just a hookup about a pregnancy scare until you know you’re pregnant. No exceptions. You don’t tell him you’re late. You don’t tell him you can’t remember when your last period was. You don’t tell him you took a test that ended up being negative. Nothing. You do not talk about potentially parenting children with a man whose only interaction with you has been between the sheets. Ever.
Why? Because that’s psychotic. You barely know the guy beyond pillow talk. You don’t put the idea of you with stretch marks into his head unless it needs to be there. And it doesn’t need to be there three days after your missed period. Chances are, you are not pregnant. And putting your “relationship” through this stress together is a way to scare him off, not bring you two closer together. Keep your mouth shut if you’re going to keep your legs open.
And that’s the way the cookie crumbles, ladies..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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