Remember the ‘90s when you were too young to watch or care about Baywatch and ever since, you’ve silently nodded along, only pretending to understand its pop culture references beyond “babes in bikinis.” Well, those days are long gone, as the trailer for a new Baywatch movie was just released this morning, and surprise, surprise, Zac Efron’s face looks like it would make an incredible seat in your home.
I watched this trailer three times before figuring out what it was about, but it seems to be the following:
- Zac Efron has completed his transformation to a Ken doll, as no living being can reach that level of bodily perfection. He’s like a creation from Westworld, if the builders and patrons were exclusively gay men. He was always hot, but got damn.
- Number one is still not actually a plot point, but you don’t care, because this man is truly physical perfection, and we’re lucky to breathe his air.
- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and People’s Sexiest Man Alive is Zac Efron’s mentor, and one can only assume they will continue together on this journey to become so jacked they must waddle instead of walk.
- Dead bodies are involved.
- So are Zac Efron’s balls.
- I think I need to watch the trailer again.
Baywatch will be released on May 16..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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