I don’t know about you, but I’ve never really “accidentally” given someone a hickey, which is why I don’t believe I’ve ever “accidentally” received one, either. They are about the least classy thing I can think of, and as sorority women we do our best to cover them up with pounds of make-up, scarves, or high-cut tops, and pretend we burnt ourselves with a curling iron. By the way, the curling iron excuse is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Who holds hot metal to their skin for long enough to leave a mark that looks like you got hit in the neck with a golf ball? Anyway, we’re purposely giving and receiving these trashy indicators of immorality, and I’m inclined to question…why?
The easiest and most comprehensive answer I can come up with: Hickeys are a Total Slampiece #2 Move. Let’s think about this for a minute. Slampiece #1 is the girl who’s going to his formal, studying with him at the lib, doing his laundry, knows his roommates, and if she’s lucky she might even get to kiss his mother’s ass for a few hours during parents’ weekend. She’s the closest he’ll let himself come to an actual commitment. He knows how devoted she is to him, so he has no need or want to make her look like a street hooker covered in bruises. She doesn’t give him hickies either, because she doesn’t need to give him any revenge hickeys, and she is blissfully (or stupidly) unaware that there are other girls in the picture. I mean think about it. If you have an actual boyfriend do you ever end up looking like a fucking leper? No. You might think it’s because you’re not in middle school anymore, but in reality, it’s because he gives as much of a fuck as he’s capable of giving…a romantic gesture, I know.
Slampiece 2, on the other hand, has every reason in the world to give and receive hickeys. He may want to mark his territory, and you might need to know your status. No, you’re not number one to him, but here’s a little secret about guys: they like attention too. Sometimes more than we do. So, he still wants to be your number one, or your number only. Guys might not reveal their jealousy easily, but he definitely doesn’t want you hooking up with other people, so vandalizing your body is a pretty sure fire way to make sure no one else is going to touch you for the next week. Maybe he doesn’t care what or who you do in your spare time, but this is at the very least his way of telling you that he doesn’t respect you. It’s no coincidence that he gave you a massive war wound to hide right before you went home for mother’s day. He doesn’t want you to blur the lines between lust and whatever the fuck you thought this was going to be. And why is slampiece 2 the most likely to give this unsightly love bite? Either because she just got one, or because she’s a jealous bitch and wants her presence known by all other slammies in his life. You might tell yourself and everyone else, “she deserves to know” but come on…if you were actually concerned about her feelings, you might, ya know, stop hooking up with her boyfriend. You’re not fooling anyone.
So, I’m not sorry to say it…if you’re breaking out the comb, toothpaste, spoon, or hot and cold compress, then you, my friend, are more than likely slampiece number 2.
Nice Move471
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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