A Case For 69

A Case For 69

I’m not going to pretend to be a sexpert here, okay. I haven’t tried every single position in the Kama Sutra, I don’t masturbate every day, and I haven’t slept with that many people. (I think. What is “many,” anyway?) That being said, I’ve done enough to know my own body pretty well, as everyone over the age of puberty should. Seriously, everyone is different, except if you have a penis. Okay, what I’m really trying to say is that all vaginas are different. Let’s all agree that on the flip side, generally speaking, all penises want the same thing– to be within a warm, wet place of pretty much any variation. Vaginas are a little more temperamental, and in the case of the vajay, variety is the spice of life, my friends.

Orgasms are like dreams you’re trying to have while awake. No matter how great the oral is, if you lose your focus or get bored, the likelihood of your O-Face making an appearance fades faster than your commitment to a diet on Monday morning at 9 AM when a coworker brings in doughnuts. There are a lot of positions where it’s easier for a girl to reach bliss, like being on top during sex, blah blah blah. We’ve heard all the tips, and some work and some don’t. But as often as I’ve heard well-meant advice directed toward my vagina (mostly from my drunk, nosy friends at bars in Vegas), I’ve heard people completely rip on the 69 position in particular. While I’ll agree that standing 69 is absolutely ludicrous and should only be done if there is a camera in the room and you’re making at least a grand for it, horizontal 69 is one of my favorite positions. Yeah, I said it. Come at me.

Horizontal 69 is one of the only positions where I’m guaranteed an orgasm every single time. I don’t know whether I’m just an above-average multitasker, or if there is something legitimately wrong with my brain besides the switch already flipped in there that allows me to see a hot guy or girl and think, would, but I don’t really care either way. I also don’t know how many people out there have gotten the chance to experience 69-ing with both sexes, but ding ding ding, ya girl is right here. In both cases, I sincerely enjoy myself. There’s something about knowing you’re turning someone else on while simultaneously enjoying yourself that really takes things to the next level. Most of the time, I’ve gotten it down to a science where I can get there at the same time as the other person, and that’s close to magic. Then there’s a minute afterwards where you both just lay there, sweaty, panting. Don’t stay too long, you might pass out, but it’s not a bad place to be.

I’m generally the individual on top, and I know a lot of girls have issues with that particular angle. I get it, you’re worried about smothering the other person to death with your ass cheeks at times, and that’s a legit concern. But being concerned about whether or not they like what they’re seeing is not something that should be on your mind. If you’re too shy or self-conscious to try something like this because you’re embarrassed of your body, stop reading this immediately and go work that out with yourself. It’s 2017. There is no time for that bullshit when there are orgasms in new positions to be had.

So, take my word for it, or don’t. Maybe the height difference is just too weird for you with your partner, or you have ticklish thighs and you laughed into a buttcrack the last time you tried this. That’s hilarious, but unfortunate for you, so my bad. But if you’re looking for a new type of religious experience and this bad boy of a position hasn’t been checked off your list yet, don’t listen to the naysayers. Give it a shot. The worst that could happen is that you queef on his face, if you’re the chick, or you impale her in the throat with your dick, if you’re a guy. There are worse things. Like, you know. Being celibate. Not a position I’m into, TBH.

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Shannon Layne

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here:

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