Subject: Re: Fwd: Your Billhighway Statement Has Arrived:
Hi Naomi,
It’s me. The Bank of Dad. The man who gave you life and the man with whom you seem to have no formal or informal interaction unless you need money. As your bank, I’m here to notify you that there must be some kind of mistake, as this morning I received an $800 invoice from something called “Billhighway.” As far as company names go, this is a terrible one as it sounds like what I’d personally name the road to Hell. I further believe that I’ve received this invoice in error, because A) I know that my princess would not forward me a nearly $1000 bill with no context or explanation outside the words “Sorority Life <3. Due at the end of the month!” and B) because I’m not quite sure why this organization you’ve joined would possibly need to charge this much for membership PER. SEMESTER.
Please get back to me immediately.
-Daddy
Well, this is not an email I wanted to wake up to. Why am I such a dumbass? Naomi thought. This all could have been avoided if I’d just buttered him up before sending him the bill. How fucking dumb can I be? Like I haven’t been here before. Jeez.
Subject: Oops!
Hi Daddy!
Sorry! I thought I sent the attachment that explains everything! But I’ll break it down to you as I’ve come to understand it.
As you know, and signed off on before recruitment, sororities do charge membership fees. I know I initially quoted you much lower than this bill, but that is for two reasons.
1.) I was lucky enough to be invited to the very best sorority there is, and as you always say, quality will cost you. This chapter is a bit more expensive than some of the other sororities on campus, but it’s because we’re paying for the best! I considered joining a less expensive organization, but I just wouldn’t have felt I was being true to myself.
2.) It’s not really $800 per semester. Just this semester. New members are charged more because there’s a lot of one-time fees, like our pledge education test, and our membership pins (which have real diamonds and pearls on them!), and all the pledge events we have to go to. And from there, it decreases every semester! So it’s kind of like we’re paying it forward to the seniors. In four years, it will be so cheap we won’t even notice it on the statement by the end of the month!
Anyway, we don’t have to pay it all in full now if we don’t want to! Billhighway sets it up so easily, so we can opt to pay the invoice immediately or in installments. $200 a month is way more reasonable if that’s what you’re worried about!
Hope this cleared things up!
Love, love, loooove
Naomi
That should do it.
Subject: Oops is right
You used the term “we” a lot, young lady. Were you planning on contributing to this new added “reasonable” monthly bill you’ve added to my life? It sounds like if this is something you want, that it might be time for you to get a job.
Wow, okay. That did not do it. Fuck. Is he…is he gonna make me get a job? Uhhh, what about school, moron! I don’t have time for this. I JUST added a sorority to my life.
Subject: Re: Oops is right
I mean. I hadn’t really thought about it. If you think it’s for the best, of course, I’d get a job to help pay for this. I just worry that it will be a large time commitment and interfere with my studies. After all, that’s the reason I’m here, and I don’t want my grades to suffer if I’m too busy with work to focus on school.
Make me work now. I dare you.
Subject: Your Dad Is Not Stupid
If work is too big a time commitment, isn’t the sorority too big a time commitment? Logic, my dear.
Fuck. Is this real? Did not see this one coming. she thought. Naomi took a deep breath and really considered her options. I guess it’s worth it. I can get a job at the library or something and just study while I’m there. And everyone will just know that my dad doesn’t love me enough to allow me to continue to be entirely financially dependent, to excess, for four more years. Life is so hard. But I’ll do it.
Subject: Of course you’re not stupid!
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that. Of course, you’re right. I can figure out how to manage my time if you think it’s for the best. Busy people get the most done. And this is important to me, so I will if you want me to.
Please change your mind. Please change your mind.
Subject: Your Dad Is Stupid
No, you don’t have to do that. But I appreciate you offering. Just submitted the payment in full. Love you, princess.
<3 Daddy
I always knew he was a sucker..
Image via source goes here
Read other installments in this series:
Part 3: A College Freshman Explains Bid Day To Her GDI Roommate
Part 2: A College Freshman Explains Recruitment To Her Younger Sister
Part 1: A College Freshman Explains Her Credit Card Statement To Her Dad Before She Goes Through Recruitment
Nice Move190
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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